it's not that i don't love you

I got a note from Paul today, which threw me a little. Paul isn't the kind of person who writes things. He spelled "accept" as "except" and was complimentary and warm, and inquired about my relationship status. All these things, even the spelling error, were sort of positive for me, "accept" for the fact that I had this hideous urge not to tell him I've been married for seven years, as though I might leave out that small detail and see if he would invite me to have yet another round of totally self-destructive sex with him.

Of course I didn't do that. I told him about Shawn.

I wish I could figure out what it was about him that made me so insane, and what it is that still does, even in my imagination. I'm a very disturbed individual sometimes. It's a good thing he's a province away where I'll be able to avoid ever having to truly exercise any self-control.

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After his day at work, as if just to underscore how much the right person I married in the end, Shawn told me about how my new engagement ring (I accidentally lost the original in the garburator several months ago) is finally going through insurance and needed to be fitted. We went to the store and had my fingers measured. I'm a 6. Which is very odd and perhaps explains why the previous one slipped down the drain, because I'm pretty sure it was a 7. I feel weird about the new ring because it's bigger than my other one was, and having already shown how irresponsible I am, I'm not really sure it's the best idea for me to have another. Maybe I should just keep it in its case rather than wearing it.

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Tomorrow I need to do some final work on the kitchen floor. The grout has had three days to dry and now the whole thing needs to be sealed.

I also want to repaint the kitchen eating nook. I painted it a rather-too-loud orangey colour which Shawn and I thought would be sort of quirky and funky because it's just a small area, but it really doesn't work. The wall is too close to the colour of the cedar ceiling, destroying the contrast between the two. I don't think I want to do that tomorrow though.

It's hot again.

I think we're going to drag the futons out and sleep in the living room again.

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