The family is going on a road trip without me, and I am using this time to clean clean clean. (And then to mess up my conscience.) There are a number of things I want to have done by tonight and the sun has cooperated by going away and reducing the temptation for me to go lie outside in the backyard instead of vacuuming. The dogs, of course, are also tiny anchors on my lap making it difficult to get up off the couch. The obsessive compulsive need to make things clean will win in the end.
**
Wednesday, July 31, 2019
Tuesday, July 16, 2019
plumes of smoke
Separation mixes my blood, the hot with the cool, and in response I sway back and forth, wondering where I will land, and wondering how that will ripple. There will eventually be drama. I will regret my hedonism.
*
Summer has begun to truly feel like summer, even if only for a few days. The rain, and S's perpetual presence at home, have combined to prevent summer's arrival, but now he has finally returned to work and the sun has begun to shine. This will only last a few short days according to the news (and according to S). But meanwhile I know it is summer because I am reading my book outside in the sunshine and because I have begun to worry about getting the house properly cleaned in time for my parents' visit in August. I have also begun to go to the gym, which is something I have not done in many years. I am doing it - for now - because J has been interested in going with me, and has a program she wants to follow with me. I am letting her boss me around and teach me things I do not know. (This kind of training has changed significantly since I used to do it on my own, and I am learning new things that are more painful -- but maybe that means they are also more effective.)
*
*
Summer has begun to truly feel like summer, even if only for a few days. The rain, and S's perpetual presence at home, have combined to prevent summer's arrival, but now he has finally returned to work and the sun has begun to shine. This will only last a few short days according to the news (and according to S). But meanwhile I know it is summer because I am reading my book outside in the sunshine and because I have begun to worry about getting the house properly cleaned in time for my parents' visit in August. I have also begun to go to the gym, which is something I have not done in many years. I am doing it - for now - because J has been interested in going with me, and has a program she wants to follow with me. I am letting her boss me around and teach me things I do not know. (This kind of training has changed significantly since I used to do it on my own, and I am learning new things that are more painful -- but maybe that means they are also more effective.)
*
Wednesday, July 10, 2019
the book of lasts
There has been another transition, precipitated by something I would not really characterize as a "fight" but it was definitely an emotional situation that contained some disagreement. Or rather, perhaps, different perspectives on the same thing. In any case, this experience has somehow busted open the shell and left me abruptly defenseless and soft. And left me wondering how I will ever recover when this inevitably doesn't work anymore. My blue front door will always, always open into that memory.
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