pigeons

We are directed to return to work on Thursday - and there is uproar.  (We have grown fat and comfortable inside our homes and it is difficult to venture back out now.)  There is no plausible hope that anything can prevent this from happening - though there are petitions and various groups online threatening to refuse "unsafe work"; nothing is likely to change at this point, now that public announcements have been made, and soldiers have begun marching.  I can follow along, or not.  (I will.)

S wants us to quit our jobs instead and move to the Atlantic coast where we can afford to retire now and live out our lives free from work.  He has not been directed back to his office. At this stage, he is permitted to work remotely indefinitely.  It is difficult to reconcile the vast array of responses from management in different environments, and it leaves people unsettled, fearful.  My role on staff has become one of reassuring people - in spite of the fact I feel a lack of confidence in leadership, myself.  I feel their anxiety enter my body when we talk, rapid pulse, fast breath.  I don't want them near me.  Their anxiety is just as infectious as the virus.

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Doctor Bright.

S's friend/ J's guitar teacher died yesterday.  His cancer was aggressive and it looks like he only had four weeks or so from the  time it was diagnosed to the time he died.  Unreal.  I have wanted to talk about this, the shock, with various people.  But at this point in my life it is hard to think of a friend who isn't currently already worried about a loved one with cancer.  And I am trying not to make anyone more worried.

S is struggling with it; it makes him want to quit his job and go chase down joy, and I can't help but feel that along with him.  (It's always been my greatest fear to have my husband die suddenly.)  My mirror neurons are ridiculous.  I feel my eyes leaking every time one of them starts to get emotional.  I have my own feelings, of course; I knew him too, I liked him too.  But I wasn't as close as they were.  The root of my emotion is tangled around theirs, and around thinking about his heartbroken wife.



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good things

1.  P is alive.  This would not have been likely without interventions of surgery and chemotherapy.  We have paused chemotherapy for the last three weeks because he has seemed quite ill - but currently he is very happy.  The illness seems to have been related to pancreatitis and not the actually chemotherapy meds.  I am hopeful we can continue and finish the course of medication, and that it will do what it was meant to do.  Without the lung surgery he would already, most likely, have died.  I am trying to notice his presence in my world as much as I can, and cherish it.


2.  The local union was forced to hold its representative's meeting online.  Because it was online, more people attended than usual, and not just the old guard.  Because of that shift, a member was able to put forward a motion to move our AGM online (next month), and vote in our elected officers in that format.  Because the voting members were not just the usual cat ladies who normally attend union meetings, the motion passed.  This is a huge change for the union, and it will be difficult for them to close this door in the future now that it has been opened.


3..  Yesterday SO, my former counselling mentee, texted me to ask if there was a job opening in my department.  I told her that unfortunately there was not, because I would love to work with her.  She said she must have misunderstood something her administrator told her.  Today she texted again to tell me her administrator had confirmed there actually IS an opening in my department.  M IS LEAVING.  Her administrator knew something that I did not.

(Sadly, this position cannot go to SO anyway, because it will be scooped up by an internal transfer - which is fine because I like him too.)

But the headline here is that M IS LEAVING.  Unbelievable.  She has been there the longest of any of us, lounging on her laurels and doing fuck all for more than a decade, and I thought it would take some kind of miracle to get rid of her.  I have dedicated the last five years to demonstrating my disgust for her as openly as I could get away with.  And over time, N has also begun to demonstrate his disdain.  She hasn't really got a friend anywhere and maybe this finally struck home.  Or maybe HR has moved her against her will.

I don't give a rat's ass why she's leaving.  She's leaving.  She's leaving, she's leaving.  Dealing with her stupidity and laziness has been the worst part of my job for the last five years, and I could not be more overjoyed to hear she's leaving us.  She has been exhausting, infuriating, soul-sucking... I can't think of anyone that will miss her.  Sad for her.  Happy for me.


4.  Covid education is working for me.  I like working from home.  I am not lonely, I am not frustrated with my family, I am not unemployed.  In fact, my job is easier this way and taking up less of my time.  Obviously, this can change, but for now it's really good.  I am spending my time going for long walks, baking bread, snuggling pups, and reading.  I like this life very much.  I don't actually know how I will force myself to return to the old way when the time comes.



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