Thursday, October 30, 2008

no forced entry

There's still no news about my Dad. The doctors are taking way too long to give him any results.


We won our court case. It went the way our lawyer thought it would, another temporary order that puts a little patch on the problem until the next meeting. It's a victory... so I wonder why I feel so sad.

Part of it was seeing how desperate and sick C is becoming. I love her and it breaks my heart to see her like this. The paranoia that makes her so sure we're trying to hurt her is exactly what ends up ensuring that she's hurt. It's devastating. If only there was some way to force her to accept medical care, therapy, something, maybe she could get better. I wanted her, so badly, to get better. But I don't see that in the future anymore, and that hurts.


Monday, October 27, 2008

could have made this big a difference

This afternoon after work I took Little J to the mall to try and find her the perfect Halloween costume. Being nearly twelve she is torn between wanting to be gruesome and disgusting and wanting to be sexy. The Halloween costumes at the mall looked as though a herd of wild yaks had run amok through them and we were unable to find anything other than people's elbows. We left the mall and went to the drugstore where she found a perfect compromise. A sexy ghost. Go figure.

I brought her home after that and shortly afterward the furnace guy showed up to fix our furnace (it's been broken for three days and it's been COLD!). With that started, I took off leaving Little J with Big J, so I could meet with our lawyer yet again and sign my newest affidavit. Court is scheduled for Thursday.

When I got to the lawyer's office, her secretary told me she was still working on the affidavit and needed me to go away for twenty more minutes and then come back. She suggested I go for a coffee in the little shop on the main floor of the building. I considered this briefly and then realised that I'd forgotten my wallet at home (meaning I was driving without my license). No matter; I went and sat in my vehicle and closed my eyes and pretended to be dead. It was the most peaceful twenty minutes I can remember experiencing in the last few months. When my lawyer thanked me for waiting, I said, "No, thank you."


Friday, October 24, 2008

You're not the truth.

I awoke from a nightmare with one of the pup's legs draped over my arm. In my dream it had been C pulling my arm, fighting with me about something.


Today we are supposed to be doing professional development. In this district, unlike others in which I have worked, we are permitted (and trusted, at least to some degree) to find our own professional development activities. Some people opt for more formal things like conferences and conventions with hotels and catered meals. I chose to stay home. I am professionally developing myself by working on my Masters degree. I've spent most of the morning writing a paper which isn't even going to be graded, but is required anyway, to prove that I know how to write papers. Frustrating but necessary.


Shawn took the day off so we could go to the lawyers' offices this afternoon to read and sign our new affidavits. It looks like court will be next Friday, seven days from now. Maybe Thursday. Last night C phoned and told Little J that she would be showing up with the police some time this week to force us to let her go back to her. Although this is nonsense (because we already have temporary legal custody), Little J didn't realise that it was nonsense and became upset and sick to her stomach.

On our lawyer's advice we told Colleen she would not receive a visit with little J this weekend and she responded to this with all kinds of threats and got her Hairy Scary Boyfriend on the phone to tell me he was going to see that the visit happened "one way or another". Wonderful. So now we're walking on eggshells waiting for someone to break down our door or attack us when we walk from the front door to the car.


My dad's results should be in on Monday. We need him to be well.


I am so tired.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

My Dad has a "mass" in his intestine. I love my Dad so much. Please send him your good wishes.


Monday, October 13, 2008

I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul.

I am feeling a little the worse for wear. The long weekend wasn't very relaxing, at least not the last couple of days. C continues to make life exhausting, insane, discouraging. I am worn out. Too much so to even try to explain it.

It's nearly 4:00am. I went to bed hours ago but suddenly just awoke in the middle of a nightmare. Except waking up didn't make it stop, just made it more lucid, because it's real. It's what we live with now. Fear, uncertainty, suspicion.


Sunday, October 12, 2008


Right now my husband is upstairs having a heart to heart with our niece. While I sit here empty and lost and paralyzed. Unsure what to say or do. Not knowing what step I can take that won't bring us crashing to the ground. He's up there talking to her, almost in tears himself, explaining, rationalizing, reaching out. While I'm too tired, too empty too hollow too lost to say another word without screaming without tearing out my hair without banging my head against the wall.

Oh god. Yes.

Yes I am thankful for him.

I know it.

Without him we are lost.

I am thankful. I am so thankful for him.


Saturday, October 11, 2008

Sunday, October 05, 2008

green eyes

On Friday night after hearing Little J offer to steal from us and hearing C saying terrible things about us on the phone, I made a major victory. Big J was here with T and they decided to go outside for a smoke and offered me one too. And I didn't go. This is extraordinary not because I didn't smoke (because I haven't smoked in a very very long time) but because I WANTED to smoke and DIDN'T smoke. Most of the time I just don't smoke because I don't want to. Rarely in my life have I resisted the urge when I actually wanted to do it. This is, in my mind, the difference between addiction and lust. I have never been addicted to cigarettes, never had a "nic-fit", never experienced cravings or withdrawal. But I am in lusty love with cigarettes. I adore them. Particularly when I am emotional. Friday night I was emotional and tempted and managed to avoid smoking. It's more significant because of what it means to Shawn.


Little J spent most of the weekend with her mother - a situation that is both wonderful and detrimental. Wonderful because it gave us some time alone to be together, to connect with each other, to talk about the situation openly, and to just enjoy being alone with each other. And it's detrimental because we know that C does damage when she is with J.

In many ways I am looking forward to the next court date because we will finally know where we stand for a more lengthy period of time. Win or lose, at least we'll know what to expect.


Friday, October 03, 2008

David (I think his name was David)
wrote a story about those dolls -
you know those dolls?
the kind they toss into the ocean
with phone numbers printed on their underbellies
(of the world)
Please call this number to report a finding.
They gather information about tides and ocean currents this way.
It seems more peculiar when you look at it in this light.
He called it
Tyranny of the Wheel.
Someone vomited at the end.

thank you disillusionment

Last night I overheard Little J on the phone offering to steal toothpaste and toothbrushes from our house to give to her mother. I am more and more frequently asking myself what we have gotten ourselves into here. The girl is her mother's daughter and as much as I adore her -- her mother has had eleven years to teach her a value system that she won't ditch just because she's living elsewhere. Instead we are struggling to understand her and struggling to gain her trust. Because to her, we are the ones who are skewed. I was counting on the fact that I had such a beautiful relationship with her when she was a toddler to help us find each other again now. But I am growing fearful we may already be much further apart than I thought we were. She may already be lost to me.


I have a senior drama class comprised almost entirely of boys. There are three girls. And twenty seven boys. It is the worst-smelling group of humans I have ever encountered.


Thursday, October 02, 2008

give me one reason to stay here

Oddly enough, the university decided to time the beginning of the new course to coincide with their server updates, so it is actually not possible to begin my coursework in spite of the fact that assignments have been given and due dates assigned. It's a bizarre thing and I can only assume that the two departments making these decisions do not communicate with each other. Yesterday I was fortunate enough to log into the course an hour before the server disappeared so I was able to do most of the very first lesson, which will put me miles ahead of the pack by October 6th when things are supposed to be back up and running. I'm definitely not impressed.


Big J came back yesterday night from his trip back home and he brought T with him. I didn't know T was coming or would be staying with us, so it was mildly surprising to find him sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee when I came downstairs this morning. Life is so much more filled with adventures when you have more people under your roof. Sometimes I miss the peace and predictability of my old life. But the karma points must be worth something in the long run.