Thursday, July 31, 2008

lost in their overcoats waiting for the sun

I finished my term paper and ran out of ink while trying to print it. It seems strange to me that some professors want assignments submitted electronically and some prefer paper copies. I wish it was consistent. Shawn is going to get me some more ink while I go to pick up Little J from camp, so I should be able to mail the paper later on this evening. Just having it out of my hands will be a relief. Tomorrow is my final exam and I haven't spent any real time studying yet, however, I'm taking a break now since I've been working all day. I am going to have to do some studying tonight after dinner which shouldn't be too problematic since Big J has returned home giving Shawn someone to play with, and Little J has developed a fascination with my Sims game. If I can carve out an hour or two for review I think I will be prepared.


One of C's workers from the addiction recovery centre called this morning to tell me that she had been approved to have an overnight visit from her daughter. On this I am of two minds. To begin with it scares me a little because C warps Little J with twisted values and paranoid delusions that she freely expresses. On the other hand, I want Little J and her mother to maintain a healthy connection and I hope that by having these supervised visits, C might have the opportunity to learn some parenting skills. I will see if C manages to return Little J in a positive frame of mind. With fingers crossed.

I am trying to work on learning some skills, myself, for dealing with an addict. I'm learning that I can't hold on too tightly because if I do, I end up going over a cliff with her every time she hurls herself. I need some distance and I need to allow her to make her mistakes and face the consequences of them. Even if that totally sucks. Because going loco with her sucks more.



Wednesday, July 30, 2008

over and over

I worked on my term paper for awhile this afternoon and I think I can finish it tomorrow. I have the final exam for Abnormal Psychology on Friday morning, and then I'm all done everything. Right now I kind of need the free time to deal with all the madness that's going on in my life... and at the same time, I kind of need a distraction from all the madness that's going on in my life.

I have been having an ongoing discourse with C over whether or not we will sign papers to return custody if she continues to take certain drugs, if they are prescribed by her doctor. It's a difficult thing to answer because she doctor shops until she finds a doctor who will give her what she wants. I have no doubt that she can find a doctor who will prescribe her just about anything... and not being one myself, it's hard to know what's really appropriate for her to be taking and what isn't. Naive as I am, I had no idea that she could abuse her medication by crushing the tablets rather than taking them whole. Today she told me she was going to switch from "OxyContin" to "Supeudol". When I looked that up online, it seemed to me that those were just different names for the same drug. I hate being buried in snow like this but I just don't know enough to have an opinion. All I know is that I'm sick of the whole drama.


Tuesday, July 29, 2008

cannot stop to falter now, the damage is done

I finally managed to get someone to return my call and register us for the mandatory class. They were bewildered by the fact that a husband and wife were registering together, since the course is for parents who are divorcing/separating. It's bizarre to me that we are required to take this class in spite of the fact that it doesn't apply to our situation -- but I'm growing very accustomed to having to jump through nonsensical hoops to make things happen in this process. We also have to attend a meeting with a family justice counsellor... I'm not sure what that's about but I certainly hope it's painless.

I was somehow under the impression that if everyone was in agreement and had signed the court papers that the rest of the process didn't have to happen. It turns out it's a lot more complicated than I thought. We may have to appear in court after all. I hope not - I really do not want to have to say bad things about C to a judge (or to anyone else).


older than I once was

Well. Our house is conditionally sold, with their financiang to be in place by Saturday. Because we've had such a rough go on this we've been reluctant to celebrate yet, but Shawn actually slept through the night last night for the first time in awhile, and I'm sure that had something to do with the potential lifting of this enormous stress.

A new stress has moved in to take the place of the old one, requiring Shawn and I to attend a course called "Parenting After Separation" in order to make our custody order complete so we can appear in court. The course is designed for parents who have split up and have altered the custody arrangements for their children - but this doesn't matter. We have to take the course anyway. Bureaucracy. And the icing on the cake is that I can't even get anyone on the phone to accept my registration. The light at the end of this tunnel is far far away.


Monday, July 28, 2008

getting to feel free and easy

The old realtor, with two days left in his contract, may have sold our house. Bastard. I'd almost rather wait a few more days just so I could give the commission to the other realtor who actually did more work for us in two days than the other guy did in ten months. In any case, if things work out, I'm grateful to finally have this problem off my plate, which is already overflowing.


My parents drove out to the rehabilitation centre yesterday afternoon to talk with the director of the centre. The director says that C is perpetually lying about having a multitude of medical conditions all requiring OxyContin and using this as her reason for not being able to stop taking the drug. She says C shows no real interest in recovery at all and is just using the rehab centre for free room and board. Basically, it sounds like she's going to be kicked out soon and then will be homeless. The director also told my parents that C has made several threats about planning to come to my house and kidnapping Little J. Scary. We are going to have to work to do some things to prepare and protect her, which is difficult because she loves her mother and would probably willingly go with her now even knowing that her mother will return her to the life she had before. In some ways she liked that life because she was allowed to eat potato chips for every meal, never go to school, and have no rules.

The other night Little J told me that she thinks she has the flu because she always has butterflies in her stomach. I asked her how long they'd been there and she figured out for nearly a year. I tried to explain to her about anxiety... but I don't think she believed me. She'd believe me if she could feel the butterflies that have been wreaking havoc in my belly lately.


Sunday, July 27, 2008

The realtor we have asked to take over from our current realtor has already given us more of his time than the other guy has in the last ten months. Tonight he went over to look at the house and then sent me an email saying that he was unable to get in because the keysafe box on the door was set to keep people out unless they made an appointment with the original realtor. We specifically asked the first realtor to set it so any agent could have access to increase our showings and he said he would. He didn't, obviously, because by controlling who can enter the property and making sure only his clients see it, he can be sure to collect commission on both ends. Being 1200 kilometers away has made it impossible for us to monitor these things and we still wouldn't know this now if we hadn't finally decided to give this guy the boot. Now I'm so angry I want to file a formal complaint. (I'm sure, however, that I've already signed some waiver absolving him of all guilt no matter how inept or dishonest he turns out to be.) I'm so mad I'd like to drive back across the prairies and kick him in the balls. We told this creep that we were desperate to sell, slowly going down the drain, etcetera etcetera, and he said - whenever he could be bothered to return our calls - that he was doing everything he could. Meanwhile he's been sabotaging us for his own financial gain. Wow there really are some horrible greedy people in the world.

More drama with C again today. Claims she has a spinal tumour and multiple stress fractures in her back, both requiring surgery and both ensuring she cannot stop taking the addictive medication (OxyContin) she is currently in recovery for. I don't believe any of it. I have heard so many lies from her (and worried about them) regarding her health that I can't even remember them all. I am trying hard to keep myself emotionally apart from this nonsense.


We spoke with a realtor today, someone who seems a good deal more competent than the realtor we are planning to fire at the end of the month. I am praying this is the answer.


Saturday, July 26, 2008

pecan tree

I need to learn not to take anything she says too seriously because she always threatens to do a hundred scary dangerous things before she settles on the way she'd most like to hurt you. So there's no sense in suffering the anticipation of the ninety nine threats that precede it.

This morning she took back most of what she said earlier about leaving treatment early, claiming that now she spoke to someone else who advised her to stay longer and would like to follow their advice. Tonight she was back to being miserable, and told Little J she has no friends in treatment because of some girl-drama that took place in the house. Unfortunately, drama follows C wherever she goes because she is a person who likes stirring the pot until it splashes up and burns her, and then I always have the weird feeling that part of her is enjoying being grievously injured. As usual, I have no idea what will happen next, whether I'll be Saint Lisa again, or Satan Part 2. All I know for sure is that I need to learn how to stop letting my emotions (and my stomach) hinge upon her erratic behaviour, or else I'll never eat again.


Speaking of eating, we went for dinner tonight with my parents, and then back to our place afterward for a drink. Shawn's Dad and stepmom came over for a drink too, and we spent a few hours chatting with them all getting to know each other better. I think it went well and although they're all quite different people, it was a nice time. Tomorrow morning my parents are coming over again for coffee in the morning before they continue their west coast tour to the island. I feel I have come to an understanding with my parents than I have never had before, a clearer picture of what they were going through when I was a child and why things were the way they were. It doesn't mean I like it but I can clearly see now why there wasn't a leftover sliver of patience for anything else.


Friday, July 25, 2008

C phoned again and now she has developed a new plan of action, one which involves leaving treatment and getting an apartment for September 1st. I'm somewhat comforted by the fact that I can't foresee how she will actually be able to execute this plan, but she has surprised me on numerous occasions in the past. Time to go back to holding my breath. I've been blue all summer.

She's angry with me about the custody order that she signed a little while back and now feels that I'm the devil trying to steal her baby. She has no idea how I feel, that I don't want this job - although I love the little girl with all my heart - and that if she would just get well enough to do the job properly herself I would throw her a ticker tape parade and return custody in a heartbeat. I'm a little scared about what will happen if she decides to continue down this path... My greatest fear is that we will end up having to fight it in court. If we win, she will be destroyed, probably commit suicide. If we lose, we will never see Little J again.


Thursday, July 24, 2008

would you rather be a mule?

Little J is of an age where she wants me to play Monopoly with her, and to try my best, and to damn well lose. Nothing else will do. Not playing wholeheartedly is, of course, an insult, and winning is obnoxious. I find myself in the role of mother because her own mother was too unconscious to play Monopoly, and through this strategic sleeping she has excused herself from this type of conflict. This is what they mean when they say you can't win for losing.

C phoned tonight in a panic, as though perhaps it suddenly came clear in her head that she has lost her child, at least for now, and that she doesn't know how to get her life back to a level of safety and sanity whereby it would be acceptable to return her child to that life. This is frightening for her. It's frightening for me too but I haven't got anyone I can yell at, or at least not anyone I would.


sympathy wagon

My parents are coming to visit for the weekend. They are arriving tomorrow and staying until Sunday afternoon. They're driving, which makes their schedule pretty flexible, and they decided to stay in a hotel rather than here, which actually works better because we don't have tons of extra space with both Little J and Big J living in our two guest rooms. It means no one has to sleep on the couches.

We've been cleaning all day in preparation for showing them our house for the first time (because I'm a freak like that)-- that is, Shawn and I have been cleaning. Little J has been sitting at the easel painting and Big J has been sleeping. It's like we have two children, hehe.

The good news is that Big J offered to stay in tonight and hang out with Little J so Shawn and I could go on a date, our first one alone together in way too long. Or maybe it just seems that way.

I'm almost finished my cleaning... just need this ten minute break to catch my breath before finishing up.

Once the visit is finished I have to get to work on my other term paper. The professor for this course seems a lot tougher - and a lot more vague in his instructions - so I really hope I can do as well on this one as I did on the other. Fingers crossed.


Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I got 95% on my term paper. :)


I sent my paper in to my professor and am now holding my breath for the grade. I worked hard on it and I think I did well... I just hope he agrees. I'm such a different kind of student this time around than I was the first time I went to university in my early twenties. Back then I just wanted to get finished and the least effort required to do homework the better. Of course I put energy into the classes and specific assignments I found interesting but I never attacked things with the same kind of determination that I do now. In fact in those days I hated students like me, the ones who were so studious they made the rest of us seem lazy. Messing up the bell curve and all.


Summer, in past years, has been a couple of months of alone time. Time to read and rest and think... torture myself a bit, maybe, with circular thoughts... This summer has been nothing like that. With Shawn home, Big J moved in and not working, and Little J needing a whole lot of attention and time and love... well. There's been none of the usual lazing and self-indulgence I have come to count on in the summer. I'm not sure I'll feel rested when I return to work. I'm not sure I ever did before either.


Monday, July 21, 2008

twenty years of schooling and they put you on the day shift

I spent the morning working on one of my psychology term papers and it is basically finished. I still need to go back and reread and edit, and ensure I have cited all my sources properly. Then I just need to do the formatting junk to make sure it's all standard APA and I can put it in the mail. Last week I finished the second recorded assignment (the ones in which I have to interview Shawn and provide an analysis of my own counselling techniques) and just have to do the same things I need to do with my term paper for Abnormal Psychology.

This leaves me with one more term paper to write and a final exam. I want these courses finished ahead of time so I can make sure my transcripts are ready ahead of schedule. I get nervous when things come down to the wire.

I spent the afternoon at the pool with Little J who delighted in throwing a beach ball around in the water, practicing her dog paddle, and climbing in and out of a little rubber boat. I can't remember the last time I was in a pool before today - not one of my favourite things - but we had a nice time anyway and I'm glad we're finally getting some real use out of the YMCA memberships.

This weekend my parents will be here for a visit; they're relieved - as we are - that we have succeeded in getting custody of Little J for now. When I see my parents with her they are a much mellower, more rational version of themselves than in my own childhood. Because then they were in their thirties and they were working working working, raising two children, trying to stay afloat, trying to afford vacations and school clothes, and so on and so forth. Now they are retired and calm and serene. Wiser, even. It's an interesting transformation. And as I learn more about what was going on in their lives as parents, while they were also parenting me, I begin to understand a great deal more about why things were the way they were. Why it was so easy to be invisible so often and why there was that brittleness. I can do more than empathize.

I read An Unquiet Mind because I wanted to, and finished it in just a day. But now I'm reading High Noon for my book club and I hate the first chapter so much that I can foresee this book taking the rest of the summer. Or maybe I'll just defiantly refuse to finish it. Why should I waste time reading something I find uninteresting? (This afternoon Little J told Shawn and me that we have only lived half our lives...and therefore have much more to look forward to...)


Sunday, July 20, 2008

you can lay your head back on the ground

So C signed the custody papers with a minimum of drama. We got J (Big J, not Little) to "serve" her in a very casual and non-exciting way to minimize how serious the situation really is - at least in my opinion - and the approach seemed to work. She wasn't happy about it, understandably, but was clearheaded enough to absorb what I was telling her about protecting Little J and making sure that future bad decisions made in drug-induced states would be prevented. In the end, I think we could have won this battle in court if it had been necessary to - but I'm relieved it wasn't. And hope that it never is.


Thursday, July 17, 2008

We filed the application for custody this morning. Tomorrow we must have C served with the document and she will have 30 days to contest it. I explained it to her on the phone so she wouldn't freak out and she was surprisingly receptive. Of course it's always difficult to know whether a positive mood will last but I'm hoping it does. I told her, truthfully, that when she manages to get off the drugs that she can apply to have custody revert back to her and that we will happily agree to it. The built-in protection there is that if she requests to have custody returned to her when she is NOT sober we can contest it and then she would need to provide evidence of her sobriety (ie: drug testing) to make it happen. While we have no desire to "steal" her child, we want little J to be safe. This seems to be the most definite way to get there.


Wednesday, July 16, 2008

1. We are going to court in the morning to file an application for custody. There is no guarantee that it will happen but I feel it is necessary for little J's protection in case her mother decides to bail out of treatment. If we are successful in our application, and if she gets sober, she can apply to have custody returned to her and we will cooperate. This has great potential to create horrible drama, but also the most potential to keep the girl safe from harm.

2. Tonight her mother did not call to say goodnight. Little J didn't ask me why not.

My plan to spend this week writing papers for my courses and preparing for my final exam have been thwarted by hours spent on the phone with social workers, family justice counsellors, and lawyers. It's a roller coaster ride, but not the fun kind; it's the kind that goes on too long and makes you feel like you're going to barf on your shoes.

I've been in tears off and on, snapped at Shawn, spoke angrily with a child protective services worker (who told me that there was no help in a situation like this), in between trying to add a few paragraphs to my paper, confirm the invigilator for my final exam, and draw a few breaths.

One positive thing that came out of my acquaintance with B was the fact that he impressed upon me how important it is to focus on driving safely when distracted and distressed by other things. I think keeping this in mind has been helpful while chauffeuring little J to and from camp while all these things are going on.

I've gotten several contradictory bits of information and advice from the various people I've talked to about how to protect a child, and I'm trying to just go ahead and focus - and act - upon the bits that work for me. The things that work against me I have to ignore.

Little J came home from camp with a headache today and is now napping on the couch. It tears at my heart that she's dealing with so much stress. What can I do?


Tuesday, July 15, 2008

It bugs me when I post a question on a forum, looking for responses from people with first hand experience with whatever I'm asking about, and people who know nothing respond to me with definitions copied and pasted from Wikipedia.


Monday, July 14, 2008


The moon has a face
And it smiles on the lake
And causes the ripples in Time
I'm lucky to be here
With someone I like
Who maketh my spirit to shine

Don't let us get sick
Don't let us get old
Don't let us get stupid, all right?
Just make us be brave
And make us play nice
And let us be together tonight


Sunday, July 13, 2008

I don't know how we're going to get through all this. I expected it to be hard but I expected things would improve if I was doing all the right things. Now I don't feel optimistic anymore. My energy is instead focused on self-preservation and trying to do the right thing for the benefit of the child. I'm very scared of what is going to happen.

This afternoon I watched a thirty year old woman try to bilk her eleven year old daughter out of her five dollars of allowance money so she could buy cigarettes. And then lie about it with the skill of a Juilliard trained actress.


Tonight, when I was completely out of words, completely drained emotionally and with no idea how to help this little girl understand the upside down world in which she is living, Shawn sat down with her and pulled things together in a way that I never could. I love him more every time he breathes.


Friday, July 11, 2008

an ounce of prevention

Sometimes I think my dogs are very smart, particularly when they are fast and cooperative at learning new tricks. However, it is hard to defend their intelligence when they choose to lie in the sun, panting and suffering, when they could just as easily move two feet in any direction to get in to the shade.


Thursday, July 10, 2008

two for my family

Yesterday I managed to get my other paper proposal written and that professor wrote back to approve it too. Both proposals are approved so I can begin writing. I also phoned the invigilator to make arrangements to write my final exam at the end of the month. They have to get back to me on that, but at least the process is underway. Having done those two important things, off I went to drive little J and her friends to see "Kung Fu Panda", a ridiculous movie about a panda bear who wants to be, and is ultimately selected to be, the greatest kung fu artist in China. I'm not sure it was worth the $4 for me, but little J enjoyed it, so that's good enough for me.

This morning I've been working on my second counselling skills assignment, another one in which I must interview someone while demonstrating my ability to use specific questioning techniques, summarizing skills, and reflecting abilities. I find these assignments frustrating and awkward because I want to use my own personal "style" of approach rather than the ones out of the textbook, but I do understand why it's important to prove the ability to use the skills that have been proven effective. I guess that when I have a better grasp on the techniques they won't seem so unnatural. I hope to finish this assignment by Friday so that I can work on the term papers next week. It would be ideal to finish both courses by the end of July giving me August to be free from course work and to have more time to spend with little J and to enjoy the holiday.

I am concerned, at least to some degree, about the way in which she relates to her mother. Her mom calls every evening to say goodnight and I am sort of disturbed by the way they talk, as though they are both eleven instead of mother and daughter. In some ways it makes perfect sense - that C would be the ideal playmate for an eleven year old because her emotional maturity seems to have stalled out at about that age - and at the same time it somewhat alarms me because this is exactly the reason C has had such problems being a good mother in the first place. It's more fun to sleep in than to get up in time to send your child to school. It's more fun to stay up late watching movies than to go to bed early enough to get enough sleep. It's more fun to eat candy and chips for dinner than to cook. It's more fun to leave the dishes around the house growing mould than to wash them. It's more fun to let the cat box overflow than to clean it. And so forth. Ignoring the drug issues completely, being an adult just isn't something C has taken to. I understand her desire to shirk all responsibility and live this way - I think everyone in the world probably does - but wanting it and doing it are different. And I'm scared that rehab, assuming she sticks with it, can't fix whatever else is broken.


Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Did I ever tell what I thought of what you did for me?

Raising a child forces me to be more careful with the time I spend. If I waste an hour watching mindless drivel on television while she plays The Sims, we have both lost something, perhaps a bike ride or some time playing Monopoly or something else that might have been of benefit to her. I am determined to make her life here fulfilling and rewarding and to try and fill up some of those empty wells that grew while she was living in the cave. It means I need to budget my time with greater awareness. Drivel must wait until she is in bed.

These days while she is at camp are a great relief because they give me time to work on school work while she is otherwise occupied, so I am not thinking of all the things I should be doing with her instead. I can focus on getting things done. Today I watched the last half of the counselling skills videotape, which is without a doubt, The Worst Video Ever Made. But it was a necessary evil to endure in order to get going on the next assignment, which is tomorrow's first order of business. I am eager to do this assignment and get it finished, but I want to wait for feedback on the last assignment so I can ensure that I am on the right track or improve if I am not. With luck my professor will be a little quicker on the ball than I have been lately. I also managed to submit one of the two paper proposals. The other proposal is something I hope I'll get started on tomorrow as well.

My time tomorrow is cut, somewhat, in half, by the fact that I volunteered to drive children to the movie theatre for Little J's daycamp in the afternoon. So I'll have a bit less time to work on things, but hopefully enough to get some work done anyway.

And now I have fifteen minutes or so to cram some lunch into my face before I need to go retrieve J from camp and begin the evening parenting shift. This is quite a different lifestyle than I have grown accustomed to in my laziness.


Monday, July 07, 2008

a blanket, some matches, this pain in my chest

Little J started day camp today, thank heavens, and I was relieved of my responsibilities for six consecutive hours during which I:
- drank copious amounts of coffee
- spent a few precious moments with my husband
- completed and mailed off a writing assignment for my psychology course, and
- ploughed (ever notice how Americans spelled that "plowed"?) recklessly through several readings and wrote and submitted the last electronic quiz for the same course.

It was a rewarding thing to make some progress again as I've been stalled out recently. These two courses must be complete by the end of August and although I was moving along speedily for awhile, all the drama and trauma surrounding J's moving in and C's departure to a rehab centre temporarily stopped me in my tracks.

Things that are left to do for the courses are:
Abnormal Psychology - submit paper proposal, write paper, write final exam
Working Alliance - skills assignment 2, submit paper proposal, write final paper

I think that with nine days of summer camp left ahead of us, while little J acts, dances and sings her little heart out (I hear her singing "Food, Glorious Food" along with her rehearsal CD) I will be able to finish all the written work and the audio CD. I suspect that getting an invigilated exam will take a little more organization than can occur in nine days, but it's on the top of my list of things to figure out tomorrow.

And as for now, I'm back on the parenthood clock.


Sunday, July 06, 2008

If I had a million dollars I'd buy your love.

Please Get Back To Me Asap
Sunday, July 6, 2008 9:30 AM
Add sender to Contacts

Complement of the day,

Although you might be apprehensive about my email as we have not met before,My name is Mr Song Lile I work with the Hang Seng Bank.I have a business proposal in the tune of $19.5m to be transferred to an offshore account with your assistance. Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated bank account we shall then share in the ratio of 70% for me, 30% for you.Should you be interested Please treat this business with utmost Confidentiality and send me the following:

Full names,
private phone number,
current residential address,

Finally after that I shall provide you with more details, my email address is And this is my private phone number Is:+852-367-86701.

Kind Regards,

Mr. Song Lile.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

you can bang your head against a brick wall

In protest of all the horrors surrounding addiction I am going to drink red wine until bedtime.


Friday, July 04, 2008

life could be a dream, sweetheart

Tonight C called from the treatment centre to find out what time we were planning to visit tomorrow.  Following that 8 seconds of nicety, she wanted to know if I was bringing cigarettes.  When I explained to her that her pack-a-day habit, at $10 a package simply couldn't fit into my budget right now (ie: not working over the summer and still paying two mortgages while supporting her child) she became angry and abusive and threatened to leave treatment and take J away and disappear.  

What really broke my heart was the fact that when the phone rang and J realised it was her mom, her eyes lit up with love and excitement at knowing she was on the phone.  It's so clear that J adores her mother and misses her terribly, and it absolutely breaks my heart that C had nothing to say about J, not even to inquire after her happiness or health, just to demand cigarettes and make threats.  

I don't know what will happen if C really does leave treatment and demands that J is returned to her.  I want so badly for J to be happy and to have the life she deserves.  We've been doing everything we can to try and cram some normalcy into her life for as long as she's with us, swimming lessons, walks, playing outside, biking through the neighbourhood (oh yes, she learned to ride!)... and to think of her back in that dirty cave being overprotected and smothered from doing anything while simultaneously being exposed to all kinds of adult worries and issues and truly frightening things.... well, I can't stomach it.  

Because J loves her mother, I want C to get well and start looking after her again.  But if it wasn't for that I think I'd almost want C to just go away and leave us alone.  I love her so much but she has no apparent capacity to love in return, not without demands and blackmail.  I want J to grow up with self-confidence and self-esteem, both of which I see sadly lacking at the moment.  

My parents have said they're willing to hire a lawyer and fight a custody battle if necessary, and maybe we'd even win... but I just don't want it to come to that.  I want C to get through the program and get healthy and be ready to be a mom.  I'm scared that she's going to take J back before she reaches that point.  Or that we're going to have to get involved in something ugly that will hurt J.  


Wednesday, July 02, 2008

I am not who I want to be; I probably will not ever be

It's frustrating how you don't get to cash in your karma points when you need them.  We need a few things to go our way here.