Wednesday, September 21, 2005

The Great Gazoo

I didn't bother with issue 2.

I see that we're just pretending. I refuse to dangle.

The Great Gazoo is not pissing everyone off. Mostly just you.

You are either:

a. a malicious cruel intentioned bastard who likes to hurt children, or

b. a hamhanded insensitive clod who accidentally hurts children.

In either case, why bother?

Friday, September 16, 2005

The Issues

There are two issues, as I see it.

I want to talk about them bluntly, for a change. I'm so often caught up in trying to preserve my dignity.

1. This is how I feel. It doesn't mean it is real or true or reflective of your reality. It's just how I feel and I want you to hear it instead of denying its truth. The truth remains that it IS how I feel and I would like to work toward changing that feeling in one of several ways.

I feel, when I speak to you, that I am being cautious, almost all the time. I am afraid of being too loving, being too sentimental, in case it upsets you and even more, in case you do not share my feelings. I feel like I'll be rejected and because of that, I don't want to get too close. Sometimes I want to climb up on your lap and be held and rocked and I am afraid that if I try that, I'll make an idiot of myself.

I want a close relationship with you very much. I would like to talk with you daily. I would like to assume I'm going to see you on a regular basis and not have to book appointments. I would like to feel safe giving you love.

I want you to define for me the level of affection that is safe to demonstrate, and is safe to assume will be reciprocated.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005


I went running tonight. I feel my body stronger again, the way it was the last time. I'm getting stronger, I'm getting better. More and more in control of me. I love that feeling.