Saturday, April 30, 2005


Yes it's time to cut her
from your personal resume
and congratulate yourself heartily
if she hears the cutting
and is at last able to draw a breath
that is not pinched by
your arrogance and

Thursday, April 28, 2005


Shawn did it. He got the job. We're moving! I'm excited for him... I'm excited for us. I'm scared too. But mostly excited.

Sunday, April 24, 2005



Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Crazy Big Eyes and the Condo Biddies

Yesterday I found a note in my mailbox from Crazy Big Eyes. It said, "Lisa, Mary (that's Denim Hat) and I were doing building inspection and noticed that your cedar tree needs pruning. Call me. We can help." Then she left her phone number.

That confirms that Crazy Big Eyes and Denim Hat are on the board, which I assumed before but wasn't certain of.

Damned if Crazy Big Eyes and Denim Hat were going to come over and help me.

I took the hacksaw outside this afternoon and cut the cedar tree down from 12 feet to about 6 feet. There. I am covered in scratches and blisters. I also noticed while I was hacking away that MY neighbours' yard is strewn with beer cans. I wonder if Crazy Big Eyes and Denim Hat left them a note too, or if my tree was really a more pressing problem.

I have to let myself relax and believe that I am not the only person in the neighbourhood who receives these assinine notes, but they make me very angry. I guess you can't really hear the tone of a written message, but I felt condescended to. I felt like penning a response, "Crazy Big Eyes, I have pruned the offending tree. See you in five minutes."

I was briefly in a quandary as to what to do with the remains of the cedar tree, knowing that disposing of the branches in the community dumpster across the street would undoubtedly illicit another note. I considered lighting them on fire in my backyard. I even went so far as to go inside and get matches. Then my Little Censor guy cut in and said, "What on EARTH are you doing?" and I realised that the chances were high that I would burn the entire neighbourhood to ashes. So, I threw one branch in the dumpster and hid the rest under my barbeque. I will sneak one branch into the dumpster each day until they are all gone.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Luxating Patellas

The physiotherapist says that Ophelia has luxating patellas and will need surgery on both of them. The poor girl has everything wrong with her and I am afraid of what else might be wrong with her that we don't know about yet. Not because of vet bills, although they are huge, but because it's too late not to love her. I don't want anyone I love to suffer or hurt or die. I thought today was going to be a very good day because we would be on the road to healing the weak leg. And that is still true. I just didn't expect to find out that only one of four legs is healthy. I hope we can make her better.

Friday, April 08, 2005

A good Friday

This day is a good day, even with the rain. It's a day of finishing my course, and a day of Shawn coming home for the weekend. Today is a nice day for me.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Outside Edge

Now I've made it around the spiral to the outside edge again. That means that I'm running again, I'm laughing again. It means that I feel better. I'm glad. I am going to imagine the circles getting tighter and wider at the same time, so that the insides are far far far apart, and the outside edges are long and looping and last longer each time around.

Saturday, April 02, 2005


Do you remember what we were talking about the night that you accidentally typed your cybersex conversation in my window? I'd be surprised if you said you did. I don't know whether it's a bigger insult to me or to her.

I remember what we were talking about because of the irony. We were talking about KJ and how poisonous she'd become against you because she felt you had led her to believe she was special when she was not special to you after all. And she was angry with me for continuing to talk to you after you'd hurt her.

I wish you remembered that.


I think it's interesting that the post I thought was lost is not lost. Perhaps this means I am not lost either.

The Spiral

Earlier this afternoon I said some things about the spiral of healing and then they got lost in cyberspace like I am lost here inside myself.

The Spiral

Healing is, for me, a spiral and not a line. I mean, progress spirals back on itself repeatedly, making ground and losing ground, rather than demonstrating steady improvement. These last two days I have felt myself on the inside loop.

When I am on the outside edge of the spiral I am far away from you, far away from us, who we were and I am looking at us with enough distance to say, yes, I am right. This is right. When I am on the inside loop I am too close. Close in such a way that I start to miss you. Not who you are, because I realise that I don't really like much of who you are. But close enough to miss who we were when it was new. That's when I lose ground and start imagining things I could say or do that would make things different.

All this is about choice, for me, now. I have the option of going back there and wandering around feeling abandoned and lost and angry forever. When I'm on the inside loop I am tempted to do it, and wish it wasn't my choice. But not having choices is like staying sober while you live inside the Betty Ford Centre. Big deal. I am trying to make right choices even while I'm floundering, and hoping the spiral turns soon.

I think it's sad that when I look back on our history, I realise that I never fully trusted you, even at the best of times. So I wonder if I sabotaged it by expecting it to fall apart, or if I was just being sensible. But, if I was truly sensible, would I have entered into something so nonsensical to begin with?

The meanest thing you ever said to me was show off. If we became friends again, I would never forget that you took something you pretended to understand and made me ugly with it. Just like an actor-ego. Those things hurt the most when you're afraid they're true.