What really broke my heart was the fact that when the phone rang and J realised it was her mom, her eyes lit up with love and excitement at knowing she was on the phone. It's so clear that J adores her mother and misses her terribly, and it absolutely breaks my heart that C had nothing to say about J, not even to inquire after her happiness or health, just to demand cigarettes and make threats.
I don't know what will happen if C really does leave treatment and demands that J is returned to her. I want so badly for J to be happy and to have the life she deserves. We've been doing everything we can to try and cram some normalcy into her life for as long as she's with us, swimming lessons, walks, playing outside, biking through the neighbourhood (oh yes, she learned to ride!)... and to think of her back in that dirty cave being overprotected and smothered from doing anything while simultaneously being exposed to all kinds of adult worries and issues and truly frightening things.... well, I can't stomach it.
Because J loves her mother, I want C to get well and start looking after her again. But if it wasn't for that I think I'd almost want C to just go away and leave us alone. I love her so much but she has no apparent capacity to love in return, not without demands and blackmail. I want J to grow up with self-confidence and self-esteem, both of which I see sadly lacking at the moment.
My parents have said they're willing to hire a lawyer and fight a custody battle if necessary, and maybe we'd even win... but I just don't want it to come to that. I want C to get through the program and get healthy and be ready to be a mom. I'm scared that she's going to take J back before she reaches that point. Or that we're going to have to get involved in something ugly that will hurt J.
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3 comments:
I'm so sorry Scrap. I know how it is to love a child who's mother is too addicted to see what the right thing for her daughter is. You're in my heart as always and I'm here for you always in spirit and hopefully we can connect soon so I can give you some r/t love and support. ~tight tight hugs~ I love you
I remember reading a book by a woman who was a foster parent. At one point, she fostered a baby that she eventually adopted, and the process of convincing the bio mother to sign the child over, despite her lack of interest in the kid, was heart wrenching.
I suspect she threatened you like that to hurt you, not because she has any motivation to carry that threat out.
*blowing kisses, dandelions, and bubbles at both of you*
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