green eyes

On Friday night after hearing Little J offer to steal from us and hearing C saying terrible things about us on the phone, I made a major victory. Big J was here with T and they decided to go outside for a smoke and offered me one too. And I didn't go. This is extraordinary not because I didn't smoke (because I haven't smoked in a very very long time) but because I WANTED to smoke and DIDN'T smoke. Most of the time I just don't smoke because I don't want to. Rarely in my life have I resisted the urge when I actually wanted to do it. This is, in my mind, the difference between addiction and lust. I have never been addicted to cigarettes, never had a "nic-fit", never experienced cravings or withdrawal. But I am in lusty love with cigarettes. I adore them. Particularly when I am emotional. Friday night I was emotional and tempted and managed to avoid smoking. It's more significant because of what it means to Shawn.


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Little J spent most of the weekend with her mother - a situation that is both wonderful and detrimental. Wonderful because it gave us some time alone to be together, to connect with each other, to talk about the situation openly, and to just enjoy being alone with each other. And it's detrimental because we know that C does damage when she is with J.

In many ways I am looking forward to the next court date because we will finally know where we stand for a more lengthy period of time. Win or lose, at least we'll know what to expect.

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