installation extra

Bliss. The weekend was wonderful. I have no idea what made yesterday a holiday, but whatever it was, I loved it. Having our visit postponed until this weekend was a wonderful thing in the end because it meant having three days instead of two, and now there are only two more weeks to get through until our family is back together again.

The only bad thing about it, of course, is that seeing him made me miss him more.

I did something really really really scary this weekend, took a huge step in opening up to Shawn more than I ever have, and it went really well. I can't really explain it all here because it requires pages and pages of backstory to make it fit in context, and also, well, maybe it's just too private. So I'm not explaining the specifics but I want to explain the feeling because it's something important for me to remember.

It came down to a choice of whether or not to share something that I've really never openly shared with him, and in fact have kept somewhat hidden for at least five years. And this weekend I decided to share. Trembling. The way he received this could best be described as lightly, as in what's the big deal, why do you even feel this is an issue?

And this is the exact kind of thing that you know, logically, in your head, is going to turn out this way, but your heart still feels scared.

And he made it okay. He made it safe and not scary and not a big deal at all. God I love him.

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It's just that I've realised that this isn't something I really see as particularly healthy anymore.

I picture it as being a symptom of a problem.

So if an interest in it is a "symptom", to stick with the same metaphor, I imagine that indulging in it is like treating a symptom. Like taking an Advil for a headache. It makes me feel better but it doesn't treat whatever is causing the pain/problem in the first place. And when the Advil wears off, the headache comes back.

Basically, I guess my point is that it is a neverending hunger-loop and the more you feed it, the hungrier you get. It doesn't provide any real relief from what's hurting.

In the end, the ONLY thing that has provided me with real relief from that specific pain is actually going to the source of it.


That's where I am now. Easily accessible, but maybe a little further away.



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