It doesn't matter because I am real, not a character. And this is not a novel or a play; it's just my little online diary with a readership of about three people who probably get bored with reading my To Do Lists.
I predict a big change is coming.
Shawn is leaving soon. Maybe tomorrow, maybe Friday. Probably tomorrow because we need to be able to put an offer on a house we like.
That's going to change everything. Being alone is something I have lost my knack for. I used to be quite excellent at managing living alone. I had Ways. In fact I had enough ways to make it work that I almost felt certain that I preferred it. In retrospect I think I am a person who convinces myself that I prefer whatever the given situation is because that's more pleasant and comfortable than always feeling unsatisfied. It's not exactly honest but it helps manage things.
When Shawn is away I am going to feel very alone. I am going to end up having to deal with things I don't normally deal with.
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J spent Saturday with us. He arrived in the afternoon and stayed until Sunday afternoon. While J was here Shawn threw up his hands and rolled his eyes and pretended to gasp for air while being okay with it if J and I sat on the front step together to talk and smoke a cigarette once in awhile. We had three over the course of 24 hours. (It felt so decadent.)
The thing about sitting on the step and smoking with J was that it led to the opportunity to make a few things clear. Like, the fact that I love him and it doesn't change if he and N divorce. He is still family. I knew her better, but she has chosen to leave. He still belongs - even if she's gone. And he explained to me about the sale of their house and the division of property and pets. And how that feels. These are things he generally tells Shawn, and Shawn tells me. Often J and I communicate through Shawn - which is odd because I've known J longer than Shawn has. But being male, they've got some things in common I cannot possibly understand. Like frisbee. We've never been alone together much, J and I. And yet I feel the old closeness, the friendship that started in high school. At one time I was a little dazzled by the length of his eyelashes. Now I am more impressed with his taste in books and movies. I always wanted a brother.
Most of all it was important because I was able to tell J that I want him to move to Vancouver with us and live with us if he wants to, as long as he wants to, rent-free, with all the time he needs to decide what he wants to do now. These are things I know Shawn has told him already, but being able to tell him so myself was important. I wanted him to know how truly welcome he is in our house and in our lives.
He said he wasn't sure, yet, what he should do. He's lost. He doesn't have a home, he doesn't know whether his job is worth keeping. He's worried about moving and being far away from his dogs (this is the kind of concern I would, at one time, have found completely absurd but not anymore), he's worried that he could ruin any chance his marriage might have at being salvaged by not being there if she changes her mind. He's worried he could spend the next year begging and trying to change and ending up more trampled than he already feels.
He said he has to think about things.
Whether he ends up staying home or coming with us, it meant a lot to me that we got to talk about it directly rather than through Shawn. It made me think about when I was in a similar situation and K offered me a place, speaking on behalf of her roommate at the time. Even when I was living there I sometimes felt almost as though I'd moved in without knowing for sure if it was really alright with both of them. I wanted to make sure J knew it wasn't just alright. It is something I welcome.
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We decided to try the pups on a raw diet. Allegedly this is healthier for them, allowing their bodies to use their natural enzymes the way they were meant to, digesting quickly and more completely with more available nutrition and less waste. (Literally and figuratively.) In theory, anyway, it sounded like a good idea.
In reality, cold raw bloody meat with bone fragments is a sight that turns my stomach when I have to handle it at eight o'clock in the morning, and I don't feel much more fondness toward it when I feed it at night. For a recovering vegetarian this is a pretty enormous leap.
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Today's list of Things To Do is long and tedious and ever-growing. Preparing to live apart again takes some planning and organizing. The things we naturally do for each other will need to be relearned, once again, temporarily.
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