Tuesday, September 02, 2008

more of everything

I'm getting around to realising that parenting, or even "parenting", is awfully heartbreaking sometimes. It wasn't easy watching Little J go into her classroom this morning, feeling nervous and shy, and wishing I could go in with her and be her best friend so she wouldn't feel alone. It was hard tonight when she went to her musical theatre class and came home disappointed that she didn't get the part she wanted. I wanted to be the director so they could see how great she is. This stuff is hard. I feel torn between wanting to protect her from everything and wanting to expose her to these things so she'll be prepared for Life. Wow, it's really hard.

To top it all off, C announced she wants to move back to the prairies with Little J, far far away. I have no way of knowing if this is even possible for her. But it scares me nonetheless. I want Little J to be safe. To be protected and somehow, simultaneously, prepared. It's way harder than I ever imagined.

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The other teacher didn't show up for school today so I was immediately assigned his classes. I now have full time teaching status until further notice. This means he can still come back if he so chooses but I'm beginning to understand that his reasons for not being at school are mental/emotional and not really physical. Although he has a legitimate medical problem, what is keeping him from school is something entirely different. I can sympathize, honestly, because sometimes I feel that way too. Like I'd give anything to just stay inside the house and never have to deal with people. But I make myself go for some reason. I wish I knew how because it would probably help people like him to know. Meanwhile, I'm glad to have a full time paycheque again for now, and more so to avoid the awkwardness of sharing that tiny office with him.


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