a rare and gentle thing

Sigh. The grade twelves are starting to make me feel worn out. Well, not all of them, but the little group that thinks I suck for not casting them in the parts they wanted in the play. Today I approached one of the guys during rehearsal to ask him if he wanted to take on a second role and he refused to even meet eyes with me and said no, even though I know he's a kid that generally wants as much air time as he can get. I just blurted out, with my eyes wide, "Are you pissed at me?" which wasn't really the most professional way of approaching the question.

He said yes. He said that another girl in the class, the one who is really mad at me, told him I said he wasn't going to be able to memorize his lines and that I had mocked him for dating several of the girls in that class. I was stunned. She was the one who'd said those things to me- I haven't known him long enough to know who he dates or whether or not he is good at memorization. I was floored. I had no idea what to say. Of course I couldn't very well tell him that she was the one who'd said those things because that would make me a seventeen year old girl instead of their teacher, and it left me stuck. I stammered around and told him I hadn't said those things, that I didn't know him well enough to have those opinions about him, and said that it was up to him to decide what to believe and what he would, or would not, continue to get out of my class as a result of his personal opinion about me as a person. That's what I said, but what I wanted to do was to cry. He didn't really respond except to indicate that he'd heard me, not that he agreed or believed anything I said. I was hurt that the girl had said these things about me, and I was hurt that he believed her.

And then I had to run the rehearsal. It was hard to sit through the two hours of rehearsal while my mind was churning with the things I wished I'd said (like, "I've assigned you the second largest role in the show. Does that not indicate that I have faith you can learn your lines?" or "How would I even know who you've dated? I just met you!") but of course I couldn't go back to him afterward and continue poking at the issue because I'm supposed to be the teacher and my self-esteem is supposed to be fine even if everyone hates me. And in that regard I am a dismal failure because it's not like that for me at all.

During the rehearsal I noticed that one of the kids had written, "We love you Ms. ___" on my whiteboard, which made me well up a little. I know I shouldn't let my feelings be hurt by something minor like this, but they were. I do want the kids to like me and trust me. I don't know where to go from here or how to salvage what damage has been done. If the underground gossip train continues I will slowly lose the kids who are supposed to be the foundation of the program... and yet I have to handle myself in a way that is adult and sets the right example. I really feel that trying to nail the girl who is spreading the rumours isn't the way to go and would possibly make things worse. I just feel kind of lost.

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