I do all my own stunts.

I have sometimes felt annoyed by people who like to say Go ahead and have a good cry; you'll feel better afterward. They're right to some degree, even though they're irritating. The thing is that crying only makes you feel temporarily better, but eventually the thing that makes you feel so sad starts to build up again and you have to cry some more. And that's so tiresome that it makes me feel like crying.

I think I cried a lot when I was a child, more than most children, maybe. I cried often. I cried at home mostly because I was always fighting with my mother. But sometimes I cried at school too because I was scared of doing things wrong and scared of getting into trouble and scared, for some reason I can't put my finger on, of playing Duck Duck Goose. When I was skipped ahead a grade in school I cried daily as I struggled to adjust to the new teacher, new classroom, new classmates, new everything. Allegedly Mrs. Robertson told my mother in exasperation, I think if Lisa cries one more time, I'm going to cry too! It proves how little she understood because she was the one, most often, who made me cry in the first place by snapping or scowling at me when I didn't know what to do. I was frightened of her.

I haven't cried much since about 1995... which is a long time. Not that I haven't cried at all since then by any means but I hadn't cried frequently and regularly since then. Until this past year, which has truly been the Year of the Tear.

Last night I fell asleep on the couch and then woke up abruptly with a memory that was sharp and loud and I struggled off the couch and up the stairs and put myself to bed and cried there for awhile before Shawn came up to bed. Sometimes I want him when I'm crying and sometimes I don't. Last night I didn't want him because he tries to make me feel better and last night I didn't want that - I just wanted to cry. I also didn't want to cry about it with him because it makes him sad too and lately he's been doing so well.

And now I'm better. Temporarily. I think that between bouts, the period of time without the need to cry gets longer and perhaps that's how this kind of recovery works with lots of tiny stages creeping slowly forward and back.

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