past the shipyards in the cold

I think a lot of young children go through a phase where they begin to understand and process the idea of death and dying, and during that phase may even become a little preoccupied with the concept. I feel like that's happening to me now, belatedly, like I'm just beginning to understand how serious and final death really is.

And not only is it weighing heavily on my mind; it's taking up a lot of space in my consciousness. When Shawn is five minutes later than I thought he would be getting home from work, I think, what if he's dead? When I think about T, struggling with breast cancer and chemo treatments, I wonder what will happen to her daughter if she dies. When my parents drive to Arizona, I feel scared they will be killed in a car accident.

I don't know why this is happening now; it's not as though I haven't had normal exposure to the fact that we lose people. I've lost friends. I've lost family. But lately I've been thinking about it more ~ and feeling some of that existential angst that goes with the idea of working all your life to be free of debt and to have the ability to travel and enjoy life just as you want to... with the ironic hand of death reaching for you just as you think you're free. And more than that, a suddenly very frightening reality that I will likely lose people closer and closer to me. Or that they will lose me. I don't know which is scarier. Actually, yes I do. I don't want to be alone.

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