risk and loss management

d~ wonders if even dolphins might be repetitive and boring if you get to know them. The implication, with smug self-satisfaction, I tell myself, is that I am not boring and repetitive, but when it all boils down to the Truth, I am both. Boring. And repetitive. It's just that in d~ I have found someone who is interested in many of the same things I am and so though we are, perhaps, boring as brooms for the most part, we entertain each other greatly. And that's more important.

My strange unbalanced state has led me to miss Pilates this morning and will lead me to miss singing this afternoon. Shawn and I shared some kind of weird melodramatic breakdown this morning and then decided we weren't leaving the house. It's a shame, really, because my back is tight and tense and I think that Pilates would have helped that, but it's too late for regrets now. Class began two minutes ago. This morning Shawn picked up a large tin can, the kind that Christmas cookies come in, that was filled to the top with pennies and tried to move it. Somehow it slipped from his fingers and the lid popped off and a million pennies crashed to the floor, rolling in all directions. Shawn looked at me and said, I hate my life.

Unlike me, Shawn is not a drama queen. He never says things like that. This is what led to our cooperative breakdown. We feel better now though, because we have eggnog in our coffees.

I've been looking at the Noble Eightfold Path more closely and trying to understand whether dreaming these things makes any sense in reality or whether I am just applying chapstick to my dried up imagination. I read an article this moring by Susan Pivar that talked about the issue of impermanence versus marriage. Suddenly I've developed blog-envy of the ability LiveJournal has to hide blocks of text so that they don't take up wads of space and can be accessed by choice. This is because I want to cut and paste the whole article in case it vanishes one day... but I don't want to include the whole article in this post and neither do I have the energy to figure out how to save it to one of Shawn's sites and link it from there. So. What I'm left with is a crapshoot. Since the article is about the idea of impermanance it will be poetic if it disappears.

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/196/story_19657_1.html


You know when you hear your voice recorded it doesn't sound like you to your own ear? Or even when you're sick and hoarse, how odd it is that the voice coming out of you sounds nothing like you? When I get sick, while doctors would advise keeping quiet to let the larynx heal, I feel compelled to talk more because I want to hear that strange voice coming from me that isn't me at all. That's how I feel now, like I have lost my real voice and the new voice isn't mine anymore. Some stranger is talking through me, saying things I don't quite agree with or fully understand.