tie it up

Today is the last day of observing student teachers in their classrooms. In fact there's only one left to go and she's the one I am most concerned about. More concerned, even, than I am about scary I-See-Dead-People Girl. This one is perhaps the most ill-suited person for a teaching career who ever lived.

I have been trying to understand why she wants to be a teacher and I cannot figure out where she's coming from. I've been waiting for some kind of revelation that might make things clear but so far nothing is forthcoming. She is a completely closed book. Not only closed but padlocked and not with one of those little diary locks that look easy to pick or break or smash. A big old steel padlock you'd use to lock up an outdoor shed.

This girl is beyond shy. In fact I relate to her in a rather uncomfortable way. Sometimes she makes the gestures that I have struggled over the years to suppress. The ones that show that a person would rather being anywhere on earth right now than sitting here having to talk, be personable, and make conversation. The gestures that mean Don't look at me. Don't ask me questions. Please don't look at me. The eyes that are looking for the door, the hands that disappear into the sleeve ends as if to show as little of the "self" as possible...

In light of my own discomfort in social situations and how I am aware that has, at times, especially when I was younger, impeded my ability to communicate, I am trying to give this girl the benefit of the doubt, assuming that there is more to her than meets the eye. I am hoping, and trying to believe, that she will learn to make eye contact, she will learn to smile spontaneously, she will learn to hold her head up and she will learn to say Knock it off right now when some kid gives her attitude. But it's uncomfortable trying to pull her along in that direction, not knowing for certain whether anything I am telling her is getting through. I had hoped her "reflective journal" would provide me with some insight... instead it provided me with lists of her daily activities, step by step by step.

Fortunately for her (and for me) the teacher she is working with is both kind and patient.

At any rate, today is the end of it. The practicum is nearly over. I'm glad, not because of this girl, but glad in general because I look forward to having a lazier schedule.

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