I am doll eyes

Last night I talked to my parents on the phone for a couple of hours. Most of the time was spent talking to Mum. We've started talking about some of those things that we Never Talk About, and it's been more productive than I ever believed it could be.

We've all been emotionally guarded for the longest time, each half-expecting the other to take a chomp while the jugular is exposed, and therefore saying nothing of much substance. Nothing that exposes much.

But lately that's been changing. In our mutual concern and love for J, The Past has slowly worked its way up to the top of pile for discussion... and for the first time we're doing it.

In doing it, all the things I've been afraid of are coming true. It's scary, it's heart wrenching, it makes me cry, god it hurts.

It also helps me to better understand why things were the way they were. It helps me see childhood from the perspective of parenthood... it helps me to replace the belief that I wasn't loved with the understanding that I was loved by people who were coping with an ongoing tragedy that prevented them from having the patience and time and serenity that a parent ideally possesses.

It helps to talk about the things I remember feeling guilty about, the times I was intentionally hateful in my anger, the times I was thoughtless or not gentle with my words. It helps to know they forgive me too.

We've been talking about babies again.

Though Shawn's not ready for a family car, he seems to be getting close to being ready for a family. Meeting all our friends' kids affected us both deeply.

I have some things I want to accomplish before that time... but I feel like that time is going to come much sooner than I used to think. Especially when I thought the time was Never. I wonder if healing my own childhood through my relationship with Shawn as well as through my parents changes what parenthood means to me? Somehow it must. Somehow I am falling in love with the idea of conceiving Shawn's baby, carrying his baby, holding his baby, nursing his baby, loving his baby, raising his child ... ... it all seems so much more beautiful and possible than is used to.

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Simultaneously I am longing to go back and finish my Masters degree. I talked about my idea for a thesis with CH from the university last week and she said it was "cutting edge". I'm not so sure it really is cutting edge, or if it's just a notion that's not very popular right now, but in either case, having her professional opinion and feedback on it made me feel like I wanted to dive back into it.

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It's inconvenient that I should be simultaneously feeling the desire to do both these things, as it really wouldn't be ideal to be managing both at once.

My sweet wise Somalian ladies advised not to wait on anything. "There never will be a right time." I know this is true, but I am impeded by my practical side in many ways. Though I can be terribly impulsive at times, in the bigger picture I am a cautious person. I want to do a good job of my life.

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