Today the word "codependent" actually made sense to me. I've been resenting it for awhile, feeling angry that this word is used to label someone who is trying to help an addict. But today it made sense because I saw myself do something stupid and couldn't seem to stop myself. I called C with the name and phone number of another drug treatment centre and told her we'd pay for it if she'd give it a chance -- all this, of course, in an effort to help her win back custody of Little J.
C started arguing with me about it before I'd even finished the first sentence. She doesn't want to go anywhere. She doesn't want to do anything. She doesn't want any help. She just wants us to hand back the kid and butt out of her life so she can do whatever she wants to do. And of course we can't do that... because this little girl doesn't deserve to live the way C lives. She deserves to be safe and secure and stable.
I spent way too long on the phone arguing with C about it, trying to convince her that she must try she must try she must TRY... and got nowhere. And I cried and I got mad and I swore and I hung up on her. And then I answered when she called back. And yelled and cried some more.
That's what codependent means -in the AA sense-, when you let your need for the other person to be okay to overcome, to overwhelm, and to surpass your need for own well being and mental health. It feels yukky.
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