slow spinning redemption

We slept in until 8 o'clock this morning, and it seemed luxurious. We've been getting up at 6:30 every day for what seems like an eternity. At 6:30 the November sky is still pitch black with no hint that the sun will ever rise. Winter is so cold and lonely here; I always wonder when we're in the depths of winter why anybody ever settled here. They must have arrived in the summer and put down long roots so that by the time October blew in, it was too late to change their minds. Poor souls, they must have had some serious regrets when they realised they were going to get only six hours of sunlight a day and that their skin would freeze solid in a matter of seconds exposed to the elements. I'm sure they didn't say, at least the winter kills off all the mosquitoes. I hate it when people say that. Bring on the bugs, I say. Give me sunshine and warmth and all the mosquitoes that come with it. Deet beats Seasonal Affective Disorder any day.

I'm having a hard time recognizing myself right now. And my life. Nothing looks the same, nothing feels the same. I'm so tired. I want Bad Things to leave us alone for awhile and allow us to pull ourselves together and take a few deep breaths. We need a little rest and respite. Last night Shawn mentioned one more thing that he was worried about and I burst into tears. I have no more room for even one more little tiny thing to worry about inside me right now. I have a pulled muscle in my back from being tense. I am walking around going through the motions of normal life and keeping all my appointments, attending all my meetings, managing all my responsibilities, and in between them I get into my car and cry on the road while I drive between commitments. When I arrive I dry my face and fix a smile on and carry on.

I shouldn't talk like it's always like this. Some days are easier. Some days I feel better, like things are getting better, easier, back to normal. Some days I'm fine. But I want better than that. I want to be happy again, like we were. I want us to feel whole and safe and warm the way we used to.

*