With the snow and the traffic and my special skill of hitting every single red light, I arrived six minutes late. I could hear the saboteur's voice in my head, even as I sprinted up the steps to the office, telling me that the car clock was a little fast and to calm down and go slowly. Don't want to arrive breathless, it said.
The gods were with me. The personnel woman that I was supposed to meet with was running a a bit behind schedule and therefore didn't know that I was late to meet with her. I had a few minutes to sit down and catch my breath before I was called into her office.
It was nice to have the gods on my side for a change. I've felt abandoned by them lately.
It's good that the saboteur didn't win this time. Her agenda makes my life difficult.
The interview was good, I think.
I'd parked in a 15 minute parking zone, and didn't have a ticket, even though I'd been there an hour. Blessed again.
I started crying on the way home in the car. It's the first time in a few days that the tears have taken over. Crying is different now too. It's not the wracking sobs anymore, it's just the quiet tears that allow you to keep driving or doing whatever you're doing. It's the kind of crying you can indulge in for fifteen minutes in the car, then stop, get out, and go do things in the world and people don't know that you've just had a small breakdown.
The sky is so grey. I keep remembering Fort Nelson. And Fort Liard.
Shawn offered to stay home with me today but I said he shouldn't. He's missed so much work and his being here doesn't really change things. It makes me warmer to have him close, but it doesn't change the underlying reasons for the pain. He can't stay home forever - and neither can I. My dance teacher used to say "fake it 'til you make it" when we were learning hard new steps; that is, keep moving and pretend you're in control even when you're not. Sometimes it fools people. It works like that in Life too. Sometimes you even fool yourself.
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