I had a dream my sister was living here in my house but I was the only one who could see her. And I was glad because I had decided in the dream that it was better to be driven crazy by her than to miss her. She was still dead in my dream and she knew it too, but it didn't seem like it mattered much. I was receiving her bills in the mail and bill collectors were calling me to find out where she was, just like in real life, except in the dream I was showing her the bills and asking her why she spent thousands of dollars on calls to telephone psychics. And in the dream, unlike in real life, she realized that this was not a good idea.
And I am struck, perpetually, by the inconvenience of grief. You can sit down and talk about it and feel okay, think that you're dealing with it, think that you have made peace. And then suddenly you are washed away when you least expect it. With a child at my elbow, falling to pieces is also inconvenient and I sometimes miss the luxury of being a basket case whenever I feel like it.
*
My parents are arriving on Monday, a visit that was scheduled prior to my sister's death, and I am caught between adolescent petulance and the neurotic need to clean my house so my mommy will approve of me.
The funeral home has called me at least five times since my sister's death because they keep losing track of papers I signed and decisions I made. The person with whom I made the first set of arrangements went on holidays and left the file with someone else and from there the entire thing has unravelled.
They started the process as requested and then stopped, paralyzed with no idea what to do next.
And having to re-sign the paperwork, re-make the decisions I already made just makes me second guess everything - as though it is possible to make a wrong decision. As though it is possible to make a right one.
*
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
The grief that keeps on giving. It's beyond awful that the funeral people are so incompetent and that you are being raked raw repeatedly by it.
I think your dream may mean that your sister really is with you, and more accessible than she had been in life for a very long time. They say the veil between worlds is thin in sleep, and I believe that if the will to communicate is strong enough, it happens. It's possible that she is now realizing so much that went wrong, and that her working through it is in some way facilitated by you. At least I hope so.
Sending hugs if you need some.
I am in the hospital and will be here several more days it seems.
Last night, I was only able to fully relax when you started stroking my hair. I hadn't realized until then, in that almost sleeping state, that you were here with me.
It sounds terrible to say that sick people need you. Maybe it sounds terrible. I think it will sound very frightening to you. But you are Balm of Gilead for the soul. What a comfort you are!
S: I believe what you say, and I love how you said it, "the veil between worlds is thin in sleep". Sometimes I almost feel as if I could step through. Appreciate your hugs very much.
D: I love you. It isn't scary to be needed by sick people, especially not by you. I'm glad you can feel me with you when you need me there. I am by your bed stroking your hair until you are well again. xioxioxio.
hugs and love and more love.
wish I could be with you, helping, loving and feeding you shocktarts and green gummies till you have some padding again. I love you my dear friend
Thanks K, it's a date. xx
Post a Comment