so many things I would have done but clouds got in my way

We walked out on a comedian on December 22nd. He told some jokes about how mean his wife was and the audience, largely men, seemed pleased. The comedian said, "I'm glad you like this. I don't really know what you guys are expecting from me, so I'll just tell you. I'm going to stand up here for about half an hour and make fun of my wife." People laughed again. Shawn whispered, Should we leave? I have never left a live show in my life.

I said okay.

It wasn't that he was offensive. It was that he was boring. Another sign of aging and imminent death, perhaps, that we no longer feel we have the time to waste listening to someone who bores us. It's liberating.


*

I invited him into my rough hewn dreams and hoped he would stay there forever. I haven't much hope he will but I wanted to believe he heard the invitation and knew I meant it.


*

Tamagi told me in front of a roomful of people that he thought I was the best listener he'd met. He was in his mid-fifties when he said that and I felt complimented but also, I felt like a fraud. I am good at making eye contact and nodding in the right places, a sympathetic smile well-timed, but I am not, in fact, always listening. Much of what I do listen to is not retained.

*

My memory was flawless at one time, when I was a child. When I use the word memory I think I mean "recall" because I do not mean I could remember to do the things I was supposed to do without prompting; rather that I could repeat back sections of dialogue word for word from conversations I had participated in or listened to previously. I think most children can do this because they have less useless information clogging up their synapses.

I used to remember people's names. Now I lose them seconds after they're given to me. And again, perhaps it comes back to listening. When I am introduced to a stranger I can shake hands and smile and say How are you? Nice to meet you. But I have said these things automatically and likely not listened to the answer.

*

But sometimes I listen carefully when what is being said is very very important.


*

There are times I am overcome by loneliness and it's important to remember this doesn't indicate a failure in my marriage or my friendships or my family or even inside me. It is just a part of how I am made and I think I have it in common with some others. It's incurable and precious and painful and sweet in its bleakness.

*

When Shawn and I look at furniture we are always drawn to things that look like other people have owned them and treated them badly. I wonder why we should both be attracted to that.


*