a tiger cub and a weather man

Dividing oneself up into compartments is still dishonest, isn't it? Though each separate piece is real and genuine and sincere, in separating them you take away the context, you don't show the big picture. Important information is lacking.

There is nowhere that I am all of myself. Except with Shawn, and even there, perhaps things are left out that I should share. Like how I miss Paul in a masochistic kind of way. And how Jones always asks me sexual questions when we meet to discuss work projects.

At work, I refrain from explaining that I love red wine and have piercings below the neck.
When I visit my parents, I don't swear and I don't sing made-up songs the way I do when I'm alone. When I go out with K, I push forward the part of me that can laugh and be carefree and sublimate the boring girl who would rather dissect poetry. It's all really me. And yet, by itself, none of it is.

I told Dodo once that I have no personality of my own, that I just bend to the will of whoever is the strongest influence nearby. If I'm next to Magic, I smoke and drink beer and play pool. If I stand near Cy I become ultra-academic and ultraclean. Dodo said I was wrong. He said I have a strong personality. I wish he was still nearby. Perhaps his influence on me was self-defining; I think he is the only close male friend I have ever had who didn't once cross any line. Even when we talked about sex, somehow, it never crossed any kind of boundary. I don't know how he made that possible.

At the staff retreat in 2003, we all drank a lot and built a fire, and then PB asked me a question about my sexual interests. I remember hearing the answer in my head, the exhibitionist in me warmed up to hold an audience (of men) in the palm of her hand. And then I just met Dodo's eyes and that unhealthy impulse went away, even though I'd had enough to drink to tell it all.

I said, there's no reason to answer that question because you cannot use that information for any reason. You are married. I am married. The answer to that question is only useful to my husband.

And I remember Dodo nodded in agreement and that might be the only time in my life that I can remember feeling a lot of self-respect for making a good decision where it comes to keeping my mouth shut about private things, even if it took a second-thought. At breakfast the next morning I could look everyone in the eye.

Huh. This post was supposed to be about what's real and what's honest. And it's turned into an Ode to Dodo. I miss him.