round characters

I talked to Jones on the phone this afternoon. He said he expects one of two jobs to come through for me. This was reassuring, since I quit the college. Quitting the college was, perhaps, impulsive, but still, in the long run, a good decision. I'm in a new place where I don't have to be taken advantage of anymore just so I can make the bills. (Hooray for husbands.)

I don't yet know a whole lot about the new job, just that it seems to have some potential for flexiblility in terms of hours and locations (ie: the ability to work at home sometimes and at the office sometimes).

I haven't understood, yet, why J is so keen on helping me find work here. I write part of it off to his earlier proposition - that is, it makes sense for us to screw around together because since we're both married we both have the same amount to lose.

The rest of his motives are unclear, though they can't only be sexual, since I didn't take up on that offer. It's funny, the sexual proposition is easier for my mind to make sense of than trying to imagine that he's a good person who wants to help me... or that he thinks I'm talented enough to handle the job he's trying to create...

I think in some ways it's just easier for me to relate to men on that level. They want sex, and I understand that. When they want sex from me, I can take it as a compliment, they find me attractive. When they don't seem to want sex, I'm a little unsure of myself, particularly when they seem to want my company or approval anyway.

I thought I had J pigeonholed and it turns out there's more to him. Maybe. I find that a little hard to deal with.