I used to steal from my parents when I was a child.
I had no conscience about it.
I mean, I knew it was wrong, but I didn't care at all. I felt they owed me something. I felt like I deserved something from them that I wasn't getting. This may in fact be true, but the way I set out to settle the score and even things up is obviously and hideously wrong.
In looking back it seems unbelievable that this person was me. Now, I am a person who will drive back to the post office to return a pen I accidentally walked off with. I am a person who doesn't peek in other people's medicine cabinets when I use their bathrooms. I am a person who doesn't touch what isn't mine. Ever.
Quite an evolution.
It's not true that people don't change. I did change. And I'm glad.
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4 comments:
if you dont mind me asing, what prompted such a change?
Hmm... I'm not sure. I don't remember a moment of truth where I suddenly grew up and stopped doing things that were wrong... or a moment where a conscience suddenly grew where there hadn't been one before. I just remember looking back on that child I was and thinking... "That's not me anymore." The change must have been gradual and slow.
I think it had to do with no longer feeling like someone owed me something. Once I was old enough to have relationships with other people besides my parents, perhaps some of what I needed was fulfilled and the hunger passed. Maybe that's what it was. I'm not entirely sure.
I remember being very young and hearing people talk about feelings of "guilt" when they did something bad. And I remember wondering how come I didn't feel that way when I did things that I knew were bad.
Perhaps I was a late-bloomer, conscience-wise.
I don't know. It's embarrassing, kind of, to admit that I was like that. It's really awful to be able to remember doing bad things consciously and not giving a whit.
I thought of writing about this because I saw a psychiatrist on tv who was talking about how some abused children feel a sense of entitlement that allows them to grow up to be chronic shoplifters. And I guess I recognized something in me that was similar as a child.
I appreciate you asking the question and I'm sorry I don't have a clearer answer. :)
I know I'm glad that I changed. I know I like myself more as the person I became. I was a cold child. I'm not a cold adult. That's a painful change... but a good one.
Interesting post and interesting follow up too. You've awakenned quite a memory in me as well that I may have to address now in my blog too. *lol* Thanks a BUNCH. heehee. I can tell you that I stole from my parents too as a child, and from a teacher as well, though till this second I don't think I ever acknowledged the theft from my folks...
Just remembering specific instances in my case I know the desperation I felt. Don't know if it was the same for you, but it's worth mentioning. The theft from the teacher, for example, was candy I subsequently handed out to other kids hoping desperately for friendship. Instead I was turned in. Boy did THAT suck. *lol*
In any event, I am happy for you. Happy for your change, whatever prompted it-- and even moreso for your awareness and your ability to take pride in the change.
Bravo, my friend. Love you.
I have an idea in my head for you. Must talk to you before I go!
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