This hasn't come out quite right as far as proportion goes. It looks as though I have tiny boobs and enormous feet, which creates an amusing mental picture (and if you want the truth I have both small feet and small boobs but that's none of your damn business). I am new to writing a fashion blog and so you should be patient with me as I learn how to do it properly.
I have carefully selected these first three pictures to illustrate my amazing (and cohesive) sense of style. The first picture is of my favourite shoes in the whole world. Shawn hates these shoes so much that he has been known to put them in the garbage when I am not looking in the hope they will be taken away where he never has to see them again. The only thing I think he hates more is my Joey Ramone tshirt that has become so thin that it is nearly transparent. If you're the type that cares about price tags and brand names I will have you know these are John Fluevogs, $250 retail, which is not meant to imply that this is what I paid for them. (They were given to me by someone whose husband hated them.) I like to wear them with my Joey Ramone shirt and/or my Mexican poncho.
I follow this up, to be fair, with a picture of Shawn's favourite shoes. I took this picture from their website because the picture I took made the shoe look brown. It's a dark red mary jane shoe and I wear it when I'm trying to feel competent and brave and like someone that can deliver a workshop to a roomful of people that know more than me and are not scared of stuff. This shoe does not have nearly as high a heel as my husband would ideally like me to wear (I think it's 2'') so I think he likes it because it is red. Red means sex, right? 
And last... the bra. It is a rare item of clothing upon which Shawn and I agree. We both like it. Shawn bought this bra for me when he was working in Berlin. (Who knew that Berlin was home to great underwear?) For some reason he has no idea what size bra I wear and he thinks that I am whatever size the clerk is wearing, which is obnoxious and hilarious simultaneously. Fortunately the clerk in Berlin does share my cup size and we have a winner. I am absolutely positive that I like this bra for different reasons than does my husband.*
Okay that's enough of this bullshit. I hate fashion. The fashion blog is officially over. I'm gonna read a book or something.
*
15 comments:
Okay, I just have to say that I only now finished catching up on a month’s-worth of your posts. I could go back and leave a comment on each one—and I might do that at random, sometime…but for now, let it suffice to say that you are one of the most intriguing characters I ‘know’ (the word ‘know’ is so lacking in the virtual world, or otherwise).
Maybe it’s just that I can relate to so many of the things you write about, or the fact that so many times I have burst out in a laugh when I’ve read one of your posts, or that I get that burning sensation behind my eyes, or that hours—or days—later, I think about something you’ve written. I even tell my husband some of it.
So many times, I read your snippets, and I am filing away your quirks and complexities because I know I have an amazing character I want to write someday…I just think you should be forewarned…
That is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me, seriously. And thank you so much for it. That's the kind of compliment I'll come back to read when I need it, which I know I often will. Thank you.
This was hilarious! I haven't laughed so much in months. Please don't stop fashion blogging. PLEASE, I implore you.
I'm enjoying the fashion posts!
This cracked me up: "Shawn hates these shoes so much that he has been known to put them in the garbage when I am not looking." Would it be absolutely horrible of me to say (with all the love in the world) that I have to agree with him? It would, I know.
Susan, really, this is my niche? Who knew. The only thing is that I don't think fashion blogs are actually supposed to be funny. Okay, for you I will continue sharing the treasures in the closet. Some of them, not all. Actually it's funny about the funny because Shawn always tells me clothes aren't meant to be funny, and I disagree. I like clothes that make me laugh.
Secret Agent, I'm crushed that you hate my shoes too. I think part of their charm is that no one likes them, and yet they still exist. Who could they possibly have been made for? And whose brain could have created their design? They're so awful, I know it. I think that's just exactly why I love them so.
I absolutely agree about funny fashions! One of my most favorite things to wear are some of my grandmother's god-awful-gawdy costume jewelry from the 1960's. And don't even get me going on wearable taxidermy--remember those scary biting-each-other-on-the-butt minks that ladies wore to church back in the 50's and 60's? (or was that just a Long Island fashion?). Not that I like to frighten small children with that sort of thing, but real-live-dead-animals are entertaining when one gets bored at various types of meetings...just sayin'
That's a riot. I *do* remember those scary minks... but cannot for the life of me remember where I saw them. There must be an eccentric old lady in my past who traumatized me into having memory loss. If we blended our closets, imagine the outfits we could come up with...
Fashion is implication. Right? The first shoes...you know, the ones with personality (disorder maybe) implies shorts and a floppy hat and a grin on the face. The second red pair suggests quiet authority and tailored suit and a firm set of the jaw. Of the two...I like the grinning ones. The third item implies.
...all by itself.
Oh -- someone needs to tell you that you would be a hit with a fashion blog. Every now and then. Maybe once a month. Or two.
That is a damned fine bra, missy.
I think fashion should be fun, if not downright funny. My favorite outfit at one time was camouflage pants (before they became high fashion - I bought them in Army surplus stores) worn with a black t-shirt and a huge, floppy-brimmed black Victorian hat with a veil and enormous plume which swooped downward into my right eye, and ballet shoes. I felt quite the hot number in all that finery.
Another fave (that's a fashion blog word, for sure) was nothing but jeans and an authentic Lakota chief's full headdress, Godiva hair covering my bare breasts. I used to ride my horse in that outfit, and my daughter snapped a photo once, which will never be seen online.
Jerry,
Yes, fashion is implication. I like that way of looking at it. My husband wants to know why so many of my clothes imply that I am a bag lady. I will try and explain that my clothes are just grinning.
Ivy,
Where've you been? Seriously haven't heard from you in longer than I can remember. Hope you are doing well. Will wear the bra when we meet for corn dogs, okay?
Susan,
Please. You're making my head explode a little. You really are nuts and I love it. Why would you keep a picture like that all to yourself?
Well, initially I was happy that you quit fashion blogging, cuz quite frankly...um, how do I say this...those shoes are hideous. However, I do agree with the others that it was quite comical. Then again, I think you're entirely capable of making anything funny...
So, basically what I'm saying is I'd be okay with you fashion blogging under two conditions: I never have to look at those shoes again, and you continue taking pictures of your lingerie.
I think that's a fair deal. Fashion blog it is!
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