shed no tears

Abruptly it seems as though summer is over. The furnace turned on last night. School starts on Tuesday which is distressing both to me and to Little J, although I'm trying to be upbeat about it for her sake. I've been tempted, while still on vacation, to take on the direction of a full-scale musical for my high school students. But now that the clock has wound down and I'm reaching the point where I'd have to start executing this plan, I think I don't have it in me.

I don't want to work off the clock. I've realised this about myself and am facing it.

I know a lot of teachers give their free time generously and happily just for the love of kids, and I absolutely see how that can be rewarding. I've done it too, especially when I was a new teacher filled with energy and enthusiasm, single and with no other responsibilities.

But life's not like that now.

The school work I'm doing for my Masters can be time consuming, and sometimes it's tedious instead of fascinating. And even at it's most compelling, it's time consuming.

I'm raising a twelve year old without having had the benefit of the last eleven years to train. It takes time and energy to do this.

I'm working full time with teenagers who are hilarious, insane, frustrating, loud, wonderful and exhausting.

At the end of my work day I want to go home and be as alone as alone can be at this point in my life, which really means I have a twelve year old asking a million questions and four puppies jockeying for the warmest spot on my lap, but it's still a chance to unwind at least partway, and I want it. At the end of the school day I don't want to put in another ten hours a week for free. Which clearly means it's time for me to move over and make room for the new teachers who do want to do this because as the theatre instructor I'm supposed to be busting with creative energy and passion.

I'm ready for a new phase in my career, involving a quiet office and some individual time with students and parents. I'm ready to move past the roomful of thirty bad-smelling teenagers who all want (and need) my attention simultaneously. Unfortunately I have to do it for another two years anyway, because I won't actually have the qualifications to do what I really want to do until then.

Nontheless, knowing that I'm moving in the right direction is satisfying.

Meanwhile, I have to find a way to balance the demands and do a good-enough job of what I'm supposed to be doing excellently. Hurrah!

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I'm worrying, already, about the practicum I'll need to start working on a year from now. I have no idea how it'll be possible to do a practicum and keep my job. I don't want to give up my job (well, actually I don't want to give up my paycheque) and I also don't see how it's possible to work full time and do a practicum simultaneously. I have to think. I have to do some information-seeking. Maybe some begging. Or maybe I'll just have to Do It Anyway.


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The house improvements have been grinding to a halt. I find myself more energetic when I know there's lots of time left to relax afterward. Knowing there's such limited time now makes me feel lazy.


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