i'm caught out of time, my blood sings with wine

I feel like something is going to happen. Like that little prickle you get on the back of your neck, that little prickle when there's a lightning storm brewing nearby and it hasn't touched down but it's getting too close.

C has been communicating to me through email. This is better than trying to have any kind of conversation with her on the phone but it's still not as good as a complete disconnect would be. She says her lawyer wants the dates of Little J's visit to the grandparents. I'm nervous, of course, because she has threatened to phone every airline on the planet to scare them into not letting the little one travel in spite of the court order that says she may.

And of course when I went to check on that order, something had held it up in process.

That's when the prickle started.

I fear what's going to happen if/when C has completed her 90 days of treatment. Will custody be returned to her just like that? Little J, understandably, doesn't want to go. And we don't want her going back into the wasp's nest.

We have no way of knowing what will happen. People are comforting. They tell us it won't happen like that. But it's still worrying. And how do we keep Little J from being subjected to that worry?

I've made a rule for myself that I will only drink on the weekends so that I won't succumb to the pressure by diving all the way into the bottle, tempting as it is at times.

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