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Christmas Eve is always special to me more, more so than New Year's Eve though I'm not sure why. It's not so much a religious thing as a spiritual thing; I have felt my need for spirituality grow as I've aged, new hungers have replaced old hungers. Things that were once the centre of aching need have become sideline issues, desserts and decadence to be enjoyed but not longed for, not yearned for, not lost without. I've become sated in ways I never expected to... and this is as much mental as it is physical.

But the spiritual needs have grown. The need to help, the need to contribute, the need for community... these have become stronger and much more central. And I feel a deeper connection to the world as a whole, somehow.

I think I have been immature, delayed, in arriving here, where it seems others my age have arrived so much sooner. And this irritates me in the most shallow of ways because I have supposed myself, through academic achievements?, to be more intelligent, more focussed. But I'm not. Not really at all.

When it comes to what really matters, I'm just catching on now.

And I'm grateful and I'm appreciative, for those who've pulled me along. And for those who've helped me figure out what really matters. Because of you I am more fulfilled.

Love.

Lisa




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