Yesterday Carolyn told me that she is going, today, to the funeral of a friend who died from cancer. The friend was a singer, and the cancer she developed was a tumour that attacked her face, eating its way through her sinus cavities, her mouth, eventually parts of her brain. Not only was she unable to sing, but to breathe normally, to eat or drink. To be normal in any way. Carolyn talked to me about how the death of her friend was a relief, an end to her friend's mortal suffering. I agreed. I talked to her about my sister's emotional suffering, and how I felt, in many ways, the same about her death. An end to her pain.
Then Carolyn blew me out of the water by saying she believes in eternal life, and that she believes her friend - and my sister - are now not only out of misery, but happy, and in a better place. It surprised me so much that Carolyn said this because she is the sort of woman I would have assumed was more pragmatic, more scientific about this sort of thing. Actually, it always astonishes me when adult people who have obviously had time to separate their own values and beliefs from their parents', and especially when those adult people are intelligent, rational, and thoughtful, tell me they believe in life after death.
Somehow, from a very young age, I convinced myself that only Americans, stupid people, and dying people believe in the existence of an afterlife. (Sorry, American friends.) Something like that, something that made me superior because I had been strong enough to swallow the Hard Reality pill.
But the older I get, the more I run across adults that I respect, admire, and know are highly intelligent, who are able to reconcile the existence of God with their open minded, well informed, and intelligent interpretation of the world. My father is a scientist. Yet he also believes. How?
This conflict struggles to the surface of my consciousness every so often, particularly when I am feeling alone. I feel jealous of people who take genuine solace and comfort in their faith. I want to know how to abandon my cynicism and embrace faith.
When I talk about this with Shawn, he becomes immediately defensive. God is a trick. Religious people are mindless drones. I am not sure why his lack of faith keeps him safer, but it does. Mine makes me anchorless.
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A friends father had cancer of the face. She told me about it over the months that he suffered. Painful for her, I have no way of comprehending, she talked about the difficulty for him, and of her mother. Inside she was so sad, talked about love, tried to remain strong for her family.
Maybe my spirit is connected to love. Love is so profound, the most stirring emotion I have ever encountered. How I can feel so much for another, for me is spiritual. When these things happen in my life to stir my emotions I try to recognise them, take them in. For me to deny myself the love of the spirit according to the only way I can experience life, through my emotions, would deny me the experience to this. Likewise with faith, I want to believe in the love of the world. That's why I bang on about trees, they are a symbol for me of the spirit of nature, embodied. When I stand next to the ocean I feel the spirit of the sea wrapped up in the love I have for myself and others. It might sound a bit potty, but I've done my fair share of analysis (LSD and ecstasy) to believe that there are things for me, there are sign posts to believe in something very peaceful, calming, real, with love
The difference - and the sameness - between spirituality and religion is endlessly fascinating to me. I think I can reconcile the idea of having no religion when I remember the power of spirituality. Yours is a fine example.
And you know, plenty of Americans are atheists or humanists. Like me.
is that what i did? OMG!!!, you just explained something that I had no clue of, in turn, making my silly twaddle, sound... 1) more cohesive and comprehensive than it was, and 2) help me understand better what I feel, although, as a caveat to that story, I kind of dig bits of Buddhism, yes, Itchy says she is part-time Buddhist, I think I may be a casual one. As long as it doesn't get too heavy and I am still allowed to steal pebbles from temple floors.
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