All this scheming is making me tired, really tired.  I hate thinking this way, plotting how to convince people to do things I want them to do without pushing them too hard.  Trying to get information without asking too many times, without making a pest of myself.  It all feels dishonest and gross.

Carolyn says I need to take the reins out of Crazy Sue's hands and just decide what I want for myself.  This would be easier to do if the reins weren't in her hands in the first place.  Why are they there anyway?  When I get hung up on the wrongness of that part it becomes paralysing and I get all bitter and negative.

I am still not sure how I want to proceed here, how to grab the reins, but it becomes increasingly tempting to quit teaching altogether and strike out in a new direction.  A direction that is union-less and won't force me to consort with lunatics if I don't want to.  And it is scary to think about that new direction because it is new and unpredictable.  But still, maybe it is the way to go.

I am waiting to see if LF contacts me or not.  Yesterday she was gungho about filing another harassment charge, but I am finding that although people say that, when it comes down to doing it, they lose their balls somewhere.  LF is my last hope at this plan, and after that I think I am out of ideas for grabbing the reins directly out of Crazy' Sue's hands.  After that it will just be about finding my own direction away from her.



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