surpise

Things have been sloppy since Monday.  Tueday, I had a doctor appointment, which turned out to be a stroke of good luck because I was certainly in no mood to go to work.  The doctor appointment turned out to be a waste of time because the receptionist who booked it didn't book it properly and so it was only meant to be two minutes long.  So I seized the opportunity to get my birth control and allergy medications renewed without having to get on the table.  But it means I still have to go back some time soon, which is aggravating.

I spent the rest of the day reading my mother's book, of which she finally sent us a couple of copies.  It was a difficult read, obviously, and given my frame of mind, I was extra weepy.  Weepy in spite of the fact of being amused by how she portrayed me in the book.  Some of the statements and attitudes she attributed to me struck me funny, and her memories of some events were different from mine.  But in those situations I always try to remember that memory is an imperfect thing and I am just as likely to have to have the faulty memory as she is.  Maybe.  Regardless.  I said goodbye to my sister again, mourned her through my mother's eyes, and mourned my mother's experience too, which reflected the situation from a mother's perspective, different, of course, from mine.

Yesterday I returned to work to find a note from my substitute teacher outlining all kinds of idiotic shenanigans that my students pulled while I was away.  Never one (in the past) to send kids to the office, preferring to deal with things myself, this time I found myself completely empty and exhausted.  "Get out," I told the kids who were listed in the report.  "Go to the office and don't come back".  With the rest of the class I was a thundercloud, demanding to know why they persisted in supporting the idiotic behaviours of their peers, and when they sat in stony silence, I turned my back on them and did work on my computer, leaving them to concoct plans to save the situation.

To their credit, they did, and came up with some suggestions of things they would commit to doing to improve their classroom climate.  I listened (reservedly) and accepted their apologies.  Frankly, I expect things to return to chaos in a few days.  For some reason, this semester, my classes are populated primarilily with kids who hero-worship dead gangsters and long to be thugs.

Throughout the day I communicated with my union through email, regarding my stupid situation and wondering why I want to keep this damn job anyway.  The union, predictably, wasn't interested in helping.  They are only capable of using the collective agreement to fuck me, not to help me.

At the end of the day I was called to a meeting with my principal who said she wanted me to know that she does want to keep me, respects my teaching skills, blah blah blah, and the only reason she has to do this is because she has no choice.  I told her I was tired of getting fucked by people who are too weak to fight for the right thing, and she looked appalled, and asked what I wanted from her.  I told her I wanted her to fight to keep me if she meant any of those things.  And then she said she would.  I have grave doubts about this statement because she is a climber, not a fighter, but whatever.  In the end she said she could guarantee that I would stay in the school if I was willing to teach other things besides what I am trained to teach.  Whatever.

So that's where it all stands, half in the trash.  And it makes it difficult to spend any more energy on things that seem so futile.  Maybe I need a medical leave myself, as that seems to be the best way to get protection from our useless union.  Maybe if I was the kind of person who fell to pieces and became an emotional invalid every time something bad happened, they would find me worthy of receiving their assistance.

Cynicism feel gross.  I've said the word fuck a lot the last few days in casual conversation.  Whatever.


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