faraway from cars

This is that place you go to make final arrangements. I went here alone because there were only two choices. If Shawn was to come with me then J would either have to come too or be left alone. I didn't want her to have to deal with this room, and I don't want her to be alone right now. I sat at this table mesmerized by the wallpaper and tried not to vomit while the crematorium guy explained cremation to me in far too much detail and made me sign things that said I understood things which I do not understand, or want to understand.

This is the heavy wood table that is supposed to make you feel like you're safely anchored to it when you sit there feeling dizzy like you might faint. The heavy wooden box that contains the Kleenex is supposed to make it feel permanent but nothing is permanent, especially not tissue. Once it's wet it starts to crumble. My pockets are full of it. The papers, the folders, the business cards give you something to do with your hands, something to hold onto that looks normal and familiar. The gold framed mirror on the wall is so you can look at yourself before you go back out into the real world again where it is hot and bright. You can check how much of you dissolved away in the question and answer period, how much was left behind in that room with the caskets and coffins. The heavy hanging light fixture is for comic relief. The crematorium guy tells you he hits his head on it every time he stands up because the table is not properly centered under it. I believe he made this story up.

Colleen would have said something obnoxious about this wallpaper when she was more well. She would have made fun of it. When Mr. Crematorium asked me if I had any questions I asked why the hideous wallpaper, if it was just meant to look like funeral homes on t.v. or if there was a good reason. He did not know what to say. Neither did I. He made a joke about his ex-wife that I did not understand because I couldn't tell if he meant she was dead or if he meant she used to be a teacher. I didn't ask him to explain and I did not check myself in the gold framed mirror before I left.



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