I'm assessing the cost

The books come from the university in the mail, giant heavy boxes that would have to be addressed to someone mighty important because no one who reads things that were written before 1960 could be anything but. When I look over the titles I can't even remember my thesis statement let alone imagine reading these dusty monsters.

When I pretend to be sick so I can stay home from work and do this instead, sometimes I need to remind myself that I'm not really sick because it's easy to forget, while pretending, what's actually true. This is another reason not to be an actor ever again even though all the prairie hopefuls ended up here too. I'm here for different reasons.

Shawn's talking about New Zealand again, working there, living there, and contrary to how I felt a couple of years ago, I suddenly don't care. The only one I didn't want to live far from now lives with us, so it makes no difference if we move. Of course custody orders prevent this kind of whimsy in the present, and I'm doggedly ignoring the next upcoming court dates. Moving is easier than I used to think it was. Everything is, really, once you start doing it. It's the thinking about it that's so bloody awful.

Yesterday Carolyn told me that my inability to say no does not elevate me to the status of martyr. I thought this was beautifully melodramatic since we were talking about which class had the responsibility to stack chairs after an assembly. What she doesn't understand is that I'd rather waste time than save time and that no one is making me do anything I don't want to do. There's no martyrdom in chair-stacking. It's just the sort of mindlessness I enjoy. I also enjoy it when Carolyn makes these kinds of biting remarks to me because I know exactly what she means and therefore don't have to spend any time trying to figure out the subtext.




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