Friday, June 01, 2007

you're a conscientious worker but you're spoiled

Before he left, Shawn sweetly took me through some of the things I might need to know while he was gone. Like where the fuse box is, how to turn the water off to the outside taps, and (hehe) how to attach the sprinkler to the hose. I think sometimes he forgets that I lived alone for years in the time Before. It's easy for me to forget it sometimes too. Those years are like a memory of a book I read long ago.

It turns out there was one thing he should have shown me how to do that he didn't, and that's how to operate our stupid new coffee machine. (I shouldn't call it stupid because it's so smart it can properly read this and will form a mob with the other small appliances and kill me.) It's weird to think that we've had this coffee maker for a couple of months at least and I have not once made coffee with it! Yet I have had coffee to drink from it almost every day. My husband takes such good care of me. I'm spoiled. Spoiled.

I struggled with the coffee maker a little bit and threatened it that if it didn't cooperate I would walk over to Second Cup and teach it a lesson. Finally it complied with my wishes.

While the coffee maker did what it was meant to do I went outside and attached the sprinkler to the hose (all by myself!) and turned it on. It's a wonder what I can accomplish without my Man here to protect me. But I want him here to protect me anyway.

Last night I slept in the middle of the bed the way I did when I was single, only this time I was flanked on all sides by dogs. I remember being small and telling my mother (defiantly) that when I grew up I was never going to get married and instead I would live in a big white house by the sea with lots of dogs. Slowly this dream may come true - all except the part where I don't get married. Of course there's room for improvement upon the original dream. For example, I never imagined the dogs would be small neurotic jumpy little creatures that moved like hummingbirds. I pictured something more like St. Bernards with big heavy paws, all furry and sedate and loyal. Whatever. The new dream is better - not nearly so lonely - and a little more mine.

Shawn's father is even more excited, if that's possible, at the possibility of us moving to Vancouver than Shawn is. He has already found us a real estate agent who has begun sending us house listings and photographs. I'm thinking that it's quite likely we'll be in the same situation we were in when we moved here in '05, of Shawn having to go first to start the new job right away while I have to stay behind to finish out a teaching contract and get the house ready to sell.

Last time I had to get the house ready to sell it meant I had to do everything by myself; the painting, the baseboards, the cupboard doors, the drywall holes, hold back the flood waters, etc etc etc... It was exhausting. I look around the house we're in now and see that we've never made this home ours. There are no nail holes in the walls to hide because all our pictures are still packed and wrapped in brown paper. There is no wild colour that needs to be painted over because everything is still the same neutral beige it was when we arrived. We have lived here very lightly - except for the pups who have peed on the carpet from time to time. Getting ready to sell will mean sitting here and waiting quietly.

It will be harder to live alone this time because I have changed since our last move. I have allowed myself to love Shawn and to depend on him more than ever before. It makes being without him much harder. And this isn't just about the coffee.

If Shawn moves to Vancouver first he will, again, have to find a house for us on his own. He did admirably well the last time and so I trust him with this completely. Over the years it seems our tastes have merged together and most of what we like is the same. It makes this process much easier. And what we want in our new home is the same once again. We want wood floors that will be easier to clean when the incorrigibles decide to defile them. We want a yard with a fence and grass for the incorrigibles to play outside. We want big windows to let in the light.

This morning my imagination is running away with me. I can hear the sprinkler pattering. It's cloudless today and warm already. The sky is so big on days like this when you stand outside it's like you could fall off the edge of the earth. I have missed the mountains so much in the last two years - and yet these great big skies have a majesty that I will undoubtedly miss.

*

No comments: