I have been carrying 125 euros in my wallet since last March.  When I went to the airport to pick up J, I exchanged them at a kiosk.  We are not going to Europe this year.


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I am going to New York, alone, at the end of February.  I would prefer not to do this alone but things did not work out that way.

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sicker than the rest

I skipped the party I was supposed to co-host too.  Maybe that was the special cachet that N was looking for when she asked to put my name on the invitations.  Absence.  (It makes the heart grow fonder, some say.)  I really had intended to go to that one.  In fact, I had a gigantic platter of vegetables in my car and a bunch of wine glasses wrapped in paper towels to prevent them from smashing.  But when the time came to go,  I just transferred these items from my car to BB's car and asked her to deliver them along with my regrets.  These enormous gatherings of people I don't really know or care about are just so impossible to contend with even when I have the best intentions.

There is only one event left now (apart from Christmas dinner with Shawn's family) and that one is this afternoon.  I will attend.  Partly, I will attend because I am the one responsible for providing lunch and there is no one to deliver it on my behalf.  But also, I will attend because it is only four people, and I am much better with  small groups.

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One of the counsellors is leaving next year, next school year I mean, and I will be entitled to post into the job if I want it.  It has taken a very long time to reach this place, and I would have been excited about it a couple of years ago.  Now it requires more deliberation to decide if I should do this.  It would mean working more closely with an admin team I am not especially fond of.  It would mean significantly more responsibility for no more pay.  It would mean having to talk to more people in the building.  But it would also mean doing something that feels, potentially, more meaningful.  Closer to where my heart lies now.  It feels inevitable, although it is my decision.  Decisions like this make themselves.


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about the story

In a daring display of social anxiety, I skipped the staff Christmas party last night.  Not the ladies' one that I'm supposed to "co-host" but the whole staff one.  I hate that party.  I ignored my phone, which was making indignant pinging sounds as the party went on.  I like this age of text messages where I can just pretend I lost my phone.  It makes it much easier to skip parties.

I once skipped a party I'd promised to attend and one of my friends phoned me from the bar to find out where I was.  This was the days before cell phones, when one had to borrow a phone from the bartender who would drape the long cord over the bar while you talked.  She said, Lisa oh my god where are you!  K is worried sick!  Just as she said that, I heard K's voice slurring in the background:  Gimme another Grasshopper.  That was back when I felt compelled to make up excuses about car troubles and sudden violent illnesses.

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Today I revealed something very personal to someone I do not know very well, but about whom I have a good feeling.  I tend to think my instincts about people are accurate.  So far she has responded exactly right.  It is possible she is more trustworthy than I am.


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nothing doing

My association invited me to apply for a mediator position - which means being the person who gets called out to referee disputes between colleagues.  It interests me, and so I applied.  Yesterday they began checking my references, and this morning I was contacted with a question.  Am I willing to take six days off work to attend two courses at the Justice Institute?  I had to stop and backspace over my response a few times because it sounded unprofessional to be this enthusiastic about missing six days of work.  But really, missing work is just a bonus.  It is taking courses that gets me fired up.


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Speaking of missing work, I have taken tomorrow off to go and see my doctor.  I am going to ask him for a referral (to see someone who knows what he/she is doing).  After eight months of paroxysmal dizziness, I am looking for a permanent solution.  Allegedly there is a surgery that can resolve this problem by disconnecting the posterior canal of the inner ear, and perhaps this is something to consider.    The idea of surgery does not please me, but neither does this perpetual dizziness.  I anticipate my doctor will be annoying about this, but I am going to push him.


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When did Matthew McConaughhey become so disgusting?

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Yesterday I received an email from N, telling me she wants to hold a Women Only Christmas party at her house right before the break.  I said it sounded like fun.  She asked me which day she should pick.  I advised her not to pick the early dismissal day because people would more likely attend if they could come directly from work since she lives next door.  She asked me how the invitations should go out.  I suggested using email.  (I really am a genius for thinking of that.)  Then she said she would like to send out the email stating that she and I are hosting this party together.  I asked her what that meant; would she like me to share the cost with her?  She said no, she just wants to put my name on the invitation too.

This was bizarre.  The background of this story is that N is the world's most social of social convenors. I cannot think of a reason she would want me to pretend to host a party with her, and my endorsement of a party does not give it any credibility as I am usually the person who ducks out early or skips the party altogether.  Curious.


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It really irritates me that my morning news program shows viral videos and pretends this is news.


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I would like to know what you lie about.


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intuitive all wheel drive

Today marks the first day of Part Two of the Wellness Project I'm implementing with the juniors.  It makes me one of the people on the boss' Nice list for a change because she likes looking innovative and  clever, especially when someone else is doing the legwork.  The fact is that I am doing this because I want to and because I care about it, and I did long before it became the current fashion in education.  But being on the Nice List really does change the world.

I'm quite accustomed to being ignored and stepped around by this administrator.  Lately she has been asking for my opinion on things, and actually doing what I state as my preference.  This is all very new.  The last time I had a principal who really seemed to like me a lot was 1998.  Hah!  I won't get comfortable or used to being her pet though, because surely something new will come down the pipe shortly that she needs to jump on.  And the next time it won't happen to be my thing.


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Yesterday after school a student approached me and asked if we could talk about his suicidal ideation.  Here we go again.


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