It always seems like you're leaving when I need you here just a little longer

So it turns out that Justin died in January.  Usually my dead-radar beeps more quickly.  It took me until yesterday to figure it out.  He was only 33, which is terribly sad, saddest of course for his parents who have now lost three children.  Three as in all three of their children.  I cannot imagine how that would feel.  I would like to contact his mother, but that might seem odd, and I am not sure what she knows about me and Justin; I am not sure she would be happy to hear from me.  And I do not know if people like hearing from their dead children's friends.  None of my sister's friends ever contacted me after she died, but I think that's because she no longer had any friends by then, or maybe they contacted my parents instead.

Justin and I had lost touch.  I am not even sure if he would have wanted to hear from me or if it would have made him uncomfortable.  He took me a lot more seriously than I took him, and no one really wants to be reminded of that.  I kind of thought he would die young, but that's because I think I can squint my eyes when I look at anyone's face and read their gravestone.  Not really.  But some more than others.  Except I would have guessed he died younger, and more violently.  I am glad I was wrong about those things, sorry I was right he died too young.

Goodbye Justin.  I'm so sorry.  I am truly so so sorry.  You were so alive and so full of big feelings that you could never express while living in a small town.  I am sorry we didn't go deeper into that.  You were misplaced and misunderstood and so beautifully imperfect.  I wish I had been a bit younger so I could have understood you better, and I wish I had helped you in the aftermath of knowing you instead of letting you figure things out for yourself.  I wish you had been born with perfect healthy organs, and I wish you had lived long enough to be cured.  I wish I had been a little gentler and wasn't so fucked up myself that I missed knowing you better.  Jesus, I wish I had let you spend more time at the Republik when you came to visit.  Greyhound Greyhound Greyhound.  Goodbye Justin.  I miss you already.  I miss you in my past.  I miss you in your future.


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