mmmhmmm

J's relationship with her mother reminds me a little of how it was with B in the end. Once it was clear things were never going to be the same he started to scramble - almost desperately - to unearth something from back then that could still evoke those feelings. And sometimes he could find something, some memory, that worked for a day or two. But time always gets around to telling you that the present is what's relevant. So you find something current or you disappear. He disappeared... because he couldn't exist in the present; he never really even tried to. He was almost past tense from the start. And this is almost exactly how C is now scrambling, struggling to dig up sentimentality that only exists for her, struggling to cling to a past that was only precious in her memory. J doesn't want those memories. C- and B - don't understand that children always want to move forward into the future and it is only adults who revere the past.


*


My old school was on the news last night; a hostage was taken. No one was hurt. People are crazy.



*

Spring break is supposed to mean crazy things but to me it just means I get to be alone. J is going home to visit her grandparents, Shawn is working through most of it, and I'm excited - because I am wild like that - about being alone with my new book, my old friend.


*

I called to speak to Dad because it's his birthday, but I ended up talking to Mum for a great deal longer. She always has more to say and I wonder which of them I am turning into. I want to be like Dad because I have always related to him better, understood his quietude. I have always appreciated his way of taking his time, his gentleness with people. But it is my mother who I probably become in the end, impulsive neurotic and sometimes violent. Sometimes violently angry. Sometimes tearing things and people apart because there is no other way to make it clear that it is not okay, it is not okay, for things not to go my way.

I'm neither of them really. I do not have the inner tranquility to emulate my father's serene approach. I am too tired to be as angry as my mother. I love them both. I don't really understand either of them. But I love them now in new ways that I could not find when I was younger.


*

I dreamed I parked my car inside a shopping mall, inside. Not in a fire lane or somewhere else obviously illegal, but right inside the shopping mall. It was towed and I could not find it. I told Shawn this dream and he immediately began to deliver a sermon about how irresponsible I am, as if this was real and not a dream at all. Sometimes I have to tackle him when he's not expecting it and make him fall down. Otherwise he'd be impossibly right about everything. I like it when he's trying to be serious but cannot stop himself from laughing. I wish I was big enough to squish him properly. As it is, I have to rely upon surprise.



*


K told Shawn - in front of me - that he thinks I am "more fun but harder to live with" than his wife. Shawn laughed at this like it meant something profound and I scowled at both of them and mumbled bad words. In the last couple of weeks I have done nothing but read and write because I have had papers due. I have neither been difficult nor fun because I have been too involved to be either one. K has decided to attend counselling with his wife in hopes they may reconcile. I like the optimism behind this but Shawn is annoyed in the way only a close friend can be. He thinks H is not worthy of another chance. I don't know her well enough to know if she is worthy or not, but I like that K has started whistling and looking less grey. I will miss him and his watch when he leaves us. Tomorrow morning I am going for breakfast with K while Shawn and J sleep their lives away. I hate Dutch food.


*


I have become embroiled in pranks and this isn't something I especially want to be a part of. My reputation as a zebra rustler is creating problems, especially because it's so easy to take apart an overhead projector with a screwdriver. These are not things that require much in the way of brains. Sometimes people are lazy. I should not be the one who has to point this out.



*


This reminds me of the IQ tests I took when being skipped from first to second grade. This kind of thing would not happen now, I think, and with good reason. When I was a first grade student it did not matter, especially, that I was not emotionally prepared for these changes. It mattered that IQ tests indicated I should be in second rather than first grade. This was based entirely on cognitive capacity. I wonder what would happen if I was IQ tested now, if I would be demoted instead. I think it's a good thing that skipping grades doesn't really happen anymore.



*

I'm uninspired about next week's plans. I don't like performing when I am supposed to be me. There's nothing dramatic about that.




*