Today I went back to my old workplace, just for the day, just for the moment. It is an interesting phenomenon how much better I am when I am there only for a moment, how every moment of that moment I am on, totally on, and so every word is completely attuned, filled with energy and responsiveness, the way I would like to be all day, with everyone, every day, throughout the year. And of course I am nothing like this on the 178th day when I say get your books out, read page 12-17, and answer the questions at the end of the chapter. Don’t bug me. I’m trying to answer 158 emails before the end of the day. That’s just reality intruding the way it does. It feels excellent to be excellent for a moment before I vanish, leaving behind the impression that I always look this good, which we both know I do not. In my counselling office I want to believe I am as aware of the 360 degrees of worldviews around me, but I get so fucking tired of being asked to change people’s classes. (Why why why is that tied to this job?)
In today’s immersive experience I actually forgot, though briefly, about my being a student myself, and being a student has been at the forefront of everything for the last year. I forgot about logging in to the student portal and participating in the student thing for the day. And that’s okay. I choose to let today go by without that responsibility pulling at me. Just for today.
On Tuesday I was offered a new job, a counsellor job at an elementary school. It tells me something sad that I was offered a job for which I did not apply and without an interview. I had to turn it down as it was more FTE than I have time to be. But it made me think about the future of my career, whether it leads me back to where I came from or whether it continues down this post-secondary pathway. Presumably I will need to learn to speak up more if I want my current route to lead anywhere else. My mouth-shut strategy can only take me so far.
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