Best in breed

 Last night I dreamed that I had entered a dog show… as a dog. I do not mean that I was occupying a dog body, but that I was rehearsing my dog tricks in my human body.  Sit. Shake. Roll over. And so forth. My human partner was one of the women in my doctoral program, and she was a very cooperative and hardworking teammate.  I was thinking I was a pretty decent contender for best in breed as the only human in the competition - but I woke up before I could find out our scores. 

In flagrante delicto

 C has announced she is leaving (moving to a different role within the same organization), and this brings to mind two immediate thoughts, selfishly, about how this impacts me. The first thought is that I am glad I have become more capable of being pleasant when I am irritated, because I have often felt irritated with C, and as her new position holds some clout, it is a good thing we will part on good terms without my having shouted, will you please make some space for my existence here? The second thought is that her departure leaves space for my existence here and that means having more responsibility than just showing up and nodding along while C does all the talking. This is, of course, one of those double-edged swords; floating along without much responsibility has left me feeling somewhat bored and useless… and at the same time it has freed me up to work sort of slapdash, peck, peck, poke. With time in between these brief moments to do my own coursework, go for walks, and so forth. A quiet kind of a life.  I am looking ahead now at re-engaging with work again, and my feelings about this are ambivalent. But if it was my call whether to have C stay or go… I would choose go.  And she’s going. 

A big pot

 Today I went back to my old workplace, just for the day, just for the moment. It is an interesting phenomenon how much better I am when I am there only for a moment, how every moment of that moment I am on, totally on, and so every word is completely attuned, filled with energy and responsiveness, the way I would like to be all day, with everyone, every day, throughout the year. And of course I am nothing like this on the 178th day when I say get your books out, read page 12-17, and answer the questions at the end of the chapter. Don’t bug me. I’m trying to answer 158 emails before the end of the day. That’s just reality intruding the way it does. It feels excellent to be excellent for a moment before I vanish, leaving behind the impression that I always look this good, which we both know I do not. In my counselling office I want to believe I am as aware of the 360 degrees of worldviews around me, but I get so fucking tired of being asked to change people’s classes. (Why why why is that tied to this job?)

In today’s immersive experience I actually forgot, though briefly, about my being a student myself, and being a student has been at the forefront of everything for the last year. I forgot about logging in to the student portal and participating in the student thing for the day. And that’s okay. I choose to let today go by without that responsibility pulling at me.  Just for today. 

On Tuesday I was offered a new job, a counsellor job at an elementary school. It tells me something sad that I was offered a job for which I did not apply and without an interview. I had to turn it down as it was more FTE than I have time to be. But it made me think about the future of my career, whether it leads me back to where I came from or whether it continues down this post-secondary pathway. Presumably I will need to learn to speak up more if I want my current route to lead anywhere else. My mouth-shut strategy can only take me so far.