banners of sorrow mark the front steps of childhood homes

a few years ago i decided to start a doctoral degree and then i bailed. i think i might be on the cusp of deciding to do it for real, again. i have a phone meeting with an admissions advisor tomorrow morning. **
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i shared with P that my interest in pursuing academia might be sincere. but it might also be whimsical bullshit, like my musings about how cool it would be if i could play the saw. he responded by sending me this video, which i love. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k34hnNesDK0 *
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you shouldn’t have to sell your soul

It's ridiculous that i am weight training. i have trouble locating my hamstrings. i don't really know where to locate them because i hardly ever use them. Funny how certain kinds of exercise (Bikram yoga, jogging) feel natural like my body was meant for them, and other movements could not be more awkward. Like a side plank, what the fuck is that? Vertigo has decided i need to stay upright (for now), and my right knee dislikes being jarred. So i am weight training. "Middle age" is bullshit.

Speaking of mothers

m's autism charms me; the way she says mymotherisacunt devoid of venom, just matter of fact, because it's probably true. (we do all this work to take misogyny out of language, but there's still something deeply satisfying about calling your mother a cunt if she happens to be one. what can you do?) m scowls at me and asks me why i'm not a "real counsellor", because she would like to see me in the summer when i plan to be perpetually drunk. i tell her i don't know instead of telling her i like drinking more than i like working. *
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lately i have been trying to sort out whether i do or do not enjoy thc/cbd. i seem to have some fears connected to high school misadventures. but i have nothing if i haven't got a willing spirit, so i will continue to do my reaearch. **
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Fuck you CC

S makes fun of the way people disappear after they piss me off. Disappear doesn't mean that they go missing or that they turn up dismembered, floating through the bay. They go on leave. They get moved to new workplaces. I don't deny that I am connected - but only peripherally - to that kind of disappearance. Something I notice about much of the world is their complacency to do anything about it when they are legitimately harassed or when big injustices occur. It isn't that I go looking for fights, but I also fight back when I am stepped on. Pretty much without fail. I don't know why that is my default while others default to turtle position. It hasn't always been like this; but there came a time when I must have drawn a line. Yesterday I made a decision to report a colleague whose upcoming time theft plans will keep me at work overtime until the end of the year doing her job on top of my own. I don't have to report this. Reporting it won't get me back my time. But I reported it anyway, because I am sick and tired of working with idiots who seek ways out instead of ways through the things that are difficult. I wonder if I am collecting bad debt in doing this. But somehow it allows me some measure of peace to think I have punched back. I acknowledge my conflict of interest. And still hope that HR dismembers this slug and sends all the pieces, Luka Magnotta style, to various constituency offices and to the local elementary schools.