it doesn't really matter

This afternoon I went met CC for lunch.  We worked out that we have not seen each other in two years.  Two years.  We live thirty-five minutes apart.  The only possible explanation is that are both neurotic shut-ins who struggle with normal kinds of socialization.

The dynamic is always confusing because she is the most mentally ill of my friends, always has been.  I find this jarring because I generally consider myself the most mentally ill (although I prefer the term quirky) of my friends.  For example, when I go places with my colleague/friends, someone else always drives because it is known that I am likely to make nervous mistakes or get hopelessly lost.  Someone else always makes the dinner because it is known that I cannot cook anything edible.  Someone else always hosts because it is understood that my house is full of peculiar nervous dogs who will require too much of everyone's attention.  Etcetera.  In all honesty, being the kook of the group is a good position.  It comes with little responsibility, and what I lack in responsible stability I can make up for with generous gifts, and unexpected moments of thoughtfulness.

But with CC, I have to drive.  She doesn't own a car.  I have to manage the time because she doesn't own a watch.  Or care.  I have to pay attention to the road because she won't warn me if I am about to crash, and  I have to remember how to parallel park because she can't help.

It isn't that I don't love her.  I do love her.  But she requires something from me that does not come to me naturally or easily.  Still.  Two years is far too long to spend not seeing someone who is important to me.


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When I drove home from CC's place, I put my hands on the steering wheel and looked down at them, and saw my mother's hands resting there.

Last year, one of my autistic students sat next to me and put his hand on mine, tracing the blue veins that are visible through my skin.  He said, I can see your veins through your skin.  You can't see my veins through my skin.  I said, That's because you are young and I am old.  He said, No, it's because you are white and I am brown.


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