on happiness

1.  I think NJ is fucking with me.  I went to talk to him this morning about one thing and ended up talking about another.  He told me he has changed his mind (again) about potentially leaving, opening up the job I want.

2.  Shortly following this conversation, which I found uplifting, I went to visit the AP and told him not to schedule me to teach my production course next year.  It's too much of a headache and I no longer want it.   I think he is either too stupid, or too inexperienced, to realise that what I am saying is actually a big deal as far as it impacts his timetabling job.  He did not really give me much of a reaction whatsoever, just said fine, and they support me, and yakka yakka bullshit blah blah.  It's funny how much of an effort I went to in order to get this gig, and now that I have it, I want out.  I'm taking a risk here because if Crazy Sue returns she could end up teaching the classes I am counting on falling to me, leaving me to teach basket weaving and snake charming or whatever admin decides.  But hell with it, I have to do something to preserve my energy and sanity, what little remains.

Both these things made me feel happier today, and happiness is something I am wondering about somewhat.  Like how does one really achieve happiness, and more importantly, once achieved, how does one maintain it so it does not slip away?

Theodor Adorno suggests that happiness, true happiness, is a betrayal of itself because it must necessarily come with a memory of unhappiness in order to recognize it, and that memory brings with it a fear of slipping back into that state, which sullies the purity of happiness.   Sigh.



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