Well. Crazy Sue and I had a fight today. Not a physical fight, not even yelling, really, though I was screaming inside my head. But words, very direct and very unfriendly words.
Conflict makes me feel yukky. Arguing and aggression make me really uncomfortable. Really really uncomfortable, especially at work. In fact, I have never had an argument with anyone at work before, never. When I disagree with people at work, I usually just let them do their thing and give them a wide berth. I like minding my own business. It is less anxiety-provoking, and it is who I am. Or rather, I mean, it is who I am not. Not the kind of person to get wrapped up in work disputes. I think of work as work, not as my life, and I try to keep a certain amount of internal distance between myself and my co-workers. And their decisions and behaviours.
But Crazy Sue is so so so aggressive. She attacks on a regular basis. And I have been cowering and hiding from her for such a long time. Today when she came to tell me that she was kicking my students out of a shared workspace, I dug in. I told her no, I told her to stop telling me what to do, I told her I knew that she had been talking about me to the Department Head behind my back, I told her that I was tired of walking on eggshells because she rages so often, I told her to stop harrassing me and my students, and I told her that I am fed up with her.
It was very strange to say these things in a professional environment. I never have, never, said anything like that to anyone at work. To Crazy Sue's credit, she actually stopped yapping at me and listened. I think she was startled. She actually apologized, and said she wants to support my program more and to be more cooperative. This was more than I hoped for, more than I actually want. (I have no wish for her support, or her presence in my life. But it would be nice if she would quit lying in my path and being a speed bump every time I am trying to accomplish something.)
Perhaps this is a turning point in my life, the point at which I start saying whatever I want to say to everyone who gets on my nerves a little. Maybe I'll start picking fights in the photocopy line. Or maybe I'll start throwing elbows whenever I'm irritated. Might as well. Being civilized hasn't been working out for me.
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3 comments:
Or maybe you'll stay civilized unless you are dealing with a crazy who needs to be confronted. Balance.
Perhaps there are just limits to where you can be pushed. I figure that is just you. And continue that way.
Have a warm, gentle and loving Christmas, Lisa.
Secret Agent, you're right of course. But it's fun to imagine jabbing colleagues with my elbows every time I feel inclined. Students too.
Jerry, it's odd to be pushed to that place though, isn't it? It hasn't happened very often and I have always been surprised when it has. I hope your Christmas has been wonderful too!
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