capable

And it turns out that the thing I find myself most grateful for this year is my sister-in-law, the beautiful Megan, who is almost, almost exactly between me and J in age. Old enough to be soooooo cool for J to shop for back-to-school-clothes with, young enough to understand my need for tattoo touch-ups and for me to sit exactly between her and her own mother, a bridge between Shawn and his stepmother. We can all provide a bridge, we can all provide a destination. Sometimes I am surprised, no, not just surprised, but completely and utterly taken aback by how much it turns out that I love people. If I had had this kind of upbringing I would have been a completely different person.





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(This is an addendum to what I said above that makes me less perfect the way I am, far less perfect. After we got home from Thanksgiving dinner I went for a walk alone in the rain and went to the corner store in the dark where I impulsively bought a package of Benson & Hedges cigarettes, the ones I liked when I was 22, and found a dark staircase by the coffee shop which was closed, and smoked alone in the night.

I had this lonely feeling that I recognized that went with the cigarettes and so I took the second cigarette to the air pump at the gas station where I sat with a small group of twentyish guys who invited me to a party. I said no, sensibly, to the party, but accepted their companionship and felt stupid about being in a place where I'd be invited to their party in the first place, and smoked the second cigarette down to nothing and walked back home in the rain.

I have no good reason when I act like this, none at all.)


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