Saturday, March 18, 2006

Everyone barks - all still believing.

I read back and I was ashamed of the things I have said and done and even just thought to myself in quiet moments, particularly during the times I lived alone while Shawn was at work in faraway lands.

I am ashamed, but I have been honest. This is the most honest place. It's honest because I am alone here for the most part, largely unread. This is not something I regret and I haven't wanted it to be any different. I have public places in which I can say public things, and I have this place, where I am mostly alone.

Being alone means I can say the ugly things too, not only the light things.

Here, I can hang out in my pajamas at 2:00pm with coffee-breath and miss my home and miss my old job and wish I had a better relationship with my parents. Here, I can talk about what's really on my mind, non-linear and nonsensical and uninteresting. Here is true.

Today I am having a day of getting lost in the Past, digging through my old thoughts and feelings and past relationships. Old misunderstandings, unresolved. Old wounds, unhealed.

I have a little time for this kind of self-indulgence. I will wrap myself up in it and then I will leave it behind me again, for another day, until another time.

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