If it kills me

i suppose it's not particularly surprising that missing someone is amplified when you decide not to be around them, even when that is, unquestionably, the right thing to do. it's human nature, right? that, or i am incredibly difficult. S is going camping for a few days and i am feeling that this will be a good time to finish the last of the Summer Declutter. i am feeling irritable with S today, which may or may not be reasonable. in any case, my irritation leads nowhere but to the vaccuum cleaner.

If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother

my parents are coming to visit soon. as ever, their impending arrival gives me energy to clean things we never clean. fix things that are broken. donate things. throw things away. throw things the fuck away. last night while i was sleeping, M sent me a text message asking me questions. my answer is no. no to everything. this makes me feel lighter. the lesson is that you don't have to wait to be asked first. you can exercise your no whenever you want to.

I wanted you to love me like you used to do.

vertigo keeps me on the edge of intoxication. without wine i can still spin madly across the sun. the process for admission to the doctoral program involves jumping a number of hoops, most of which i have completed because i am one of those people who just gets shit done. however, my process is stalled at the part where i need the second reference letter from another counsellor who is familiar with my work. that counsellor, unfortunately, is not the sort who gets shit done. he is the sort who will get to it eventually. i would like to kill him but then i wouldn't have a second reference. goodnight moon.