November 1

That time I said October might not really be as difficult as I tell myself it is, I was mistaken.  October really is the worst.  It's over now.

When my sister was in the first rehab facility, one of her counsellors asked me if I was being an "enabler", because I was bringing her cigarettes.  Not because I was bringing them willingly, but because my sister was threatening to leave rehab if she had no cigarettes, and I was folding into that fear.  It certainly was not the first time I heard the word enabler, but perhaps the first time I had the pointy end of it poked at me.  And it stung a little and  I wasn't sure what to do with it.  In a way I would say it made me angry because I felt, at the time, that the counsellor could not possibly understand my choice and my life and all the complicating factors that went into my decision-making process.  And this, of course, is both true and not true at the same time.

Last week I was in the photocopy room making copies of worksheets from a book I'd purchased for one of my kids, and my new VP stopped to ask me about it, with a few questions about why I had purchased the book, and why I was doing the photocopying, rather than the classroom teacher.  He didn't say the word enabler but I heard it anyway.

Sometimes when I am enabling people I mistake my behaviour for being awesome.  I think I'm being supportive of my colleagues and I think I'm being supportive of my kids.  But maybe what I'm really doing is running myself ragged for the pleasure of people developing the expectation that I will continue to do so.  And maybe I'm disempowering people who may need me to let them find their own power.  But then the kids pay the price while the adults flounder - and I can't stomach it.  I don't know what all this means.  I need to think more.

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Last week RG called me to tell me that the top HR guy called him to ask if he wanted to come to work at my school, and trade jobs with The Twit.  This is a fascinating development.  RG, unfortunately, did NOT want to trade jobs with The Twit because he likes the job he has, and so the information pipeline closed there.  But it left a million questions whirling through my head.  Is she finally being moved/disciplined?  Will someone else be replacing her?  Or does RG's refusal mark the end of this line?  What is happening?

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