my sister's ashes

My sister's ashes have me more rattled than I would have expected.  I guess being confronted with her ashes again after thinking they were gone from my world is strange.  It opens up channels that seemed closed, and it stirs up memories that were sleeping quietly.

I meant to tell T on Thursday but Thursday felt too emotionally raw.  Probably because I told J that morning which shook us both a bit.  And T was happy and bubbly and talky and I just didn't want to talk about it.

This morning I had a meeting with the VP about the measles outbreak.  She wanted my advice about how to approach teachers about not being punitive to the students who were not allowed to attend school because they were either unvaccinated or didn't have immunization records.  She was wanting a way to evoke empathy for those students.  And I started to tell her that my belief is that the students who are in the "excluded" category are many of the same students who are already at risk, because the same parents who were too disorganized to keep records or get their children immunized are the same parents who don't help their kids with homework, are the same parents who don't read their kids bedtime stories, are the same parents who are also at risk... and so forth.  And as I was saying this the truth of it was so overwhelming I almost couldn't breathe.  I wanted to tell her my own immunization records were lost and my parents didn't know if I'd been immunized or if I'd had measles, but I suddenly couldn't speak.

I told T about my sister's ashes today instead, shortly after the meeting with the VP.  I did not cry.  But I have realised that T is my person I can cry with.  I have never really had anyone in my life that I could cry with and feel good about it.  I am not a person who cries much or cries easily.  I almost always choose silence over tears.  Which is why I am quiet so often, perhaps.  It is certainly why everyone else in my family spoke at my sister's funeral and I did not.  I appreciate the fact that as I get older I see myself learning to speak through tears when I need to.  And I appreciate that I have made a friend who will be with me when I cry.  T texted me tonight to ask if she could take a day off work with me to go to the police station and get the ashes together.  I was thinking about the day I went to the funeral home to plan my sister's cremation and how alone I felt doing this terrible thing by myself.  And then I was thinking that this moment, the moment I received T's message, was one of the times I have felt most supported in my whole life.


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